Katherine Johnson; pick one woman in history or fiction to converse with - Barnard College prompt

Hi! I'm working on my Barnard essays, and I am afraid that my essay is trivial. Should I rewrite it? The prompt:

Pick one woman - a historical figure, fictitious character, or modern individual - to converse with for an hour and explain your choice.

Why does this person intrigue you? What would you talk about? What questions would you ask them?

(300 words max)

In the 1960s, Katherine Johnson started to work at NASA as a mathematician, becoming one of the first women of color in the agency. Being a woman and a black person, she had to deal with sexism and racism from her colleagues daily, who were skeptical of Johnson's work. However, being a strong, brave, and highly talented person who easily overcame difficulties, Johnson quickly climbed the career ladder. She made a considerable contribution to such programs as Apollo 11 and Mercury (including the missions of Alan Shepard and John Glenn) and left her significant mark on space exploration.

Katherine Johnson inspired me as a person interested in STEM after watching the famous movie "Hidden Figures" and studying her exceptional biography, filled with the struggle in career and life, hard work, and outstanding achievements. If I had the opportunity to have a conversation with Katherine for an hour, I would ask how she was able to achieve such a position in her career and society despite the difficulties and public rejection that accompanied her as a woman in science. Also, walking along the corridors of NASA, we would brainstorm various strategies for improving the world's achievements in space exploration and try to elaborate on answers to space-related questions that scientists have been facing for decades. Ultimately, I would ask her for advice for me and other girls who dream of becoming successful scientists, working in the space industry, and being strong leaders in their communities.

My opinion is that this statement can do with some revisions. For starters, the first paragraph needs to be better blended as an insightful and self - inspiring introduction to your interest in space science through an admiration for this person. That way more attention can be paid to the discussion and time spent with this person. Set up the meeting prior to the discussion of the questions you will be asking. For example, you could go back in time to one of her more notable missions, pick the one you are most interested in. Then ask relevant questions that will accomplish 2 things:

1. Further introduce this historical character to the reader
2. Allow the reviewer to understand how your interests and potential success in this field directly ties in with this inspirational person.

The first paragraph does not really focus the essay on the applicant, which poses a problem since the reviewer will learn more about the historical figure rather than the applicant in relation to the figure. So that became a problem for this presentation.