A large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Pros and cons?

do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

It is a fact that, the proportion of young adults moderately higher than that of elderly people in some nations. In my opinion, i believe this tendency contributes to make society more developed.

On the one hand, some people think that there are some drawbacks when the young population overperform the percentage of older people. Firstly, young adults will face harsh competition in the job market, and the rising rate of unemployment is unavoidable. For example, the percentage of young adults makes up over 70% in Vietnam, thus there are not enough vacancies and a large number of young people must go to labor export to get jobs. Secondly, demanding of young adults about living condition such as entertainment, tourist and services are usually higher than that if older people, this means some developing countries can not respond well to them.

On the other hand, i argue that the high rate of the young adult population brings many benefits to society. The main reason is that productivity will increase thanks to a large amount of energy source of young people, and this promotes economic development. In other words, compared with older people, creativity, flexibility in work and good health in young people guarantee their work will be finished quickly and easily with the best result. Moreover, this trend provides a large labor source in all fields for each country. Besides, the advantage of young people is that they integrate well in industry 4.0 and use skillfully computer and internet which older people have difficulties to adapt.

In conclusion, although young adult accounting for the majority population still exists some negative aspects, i think this is an advantaged situation and countries should continue to allow this to happen.

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The first suggestion is you should notice to the punctuation in compound sentence. For example, in the first sentence, do not use a comma after "that".

Second, "...make society..." should be "making"
Next, "For example, the percentage of young adults ..." seems illogical when working oversea is not a negative trend, those who work oversea make great contributions to the economic development. So why did you say that they are unemployed?

"Besides" seems an improper linking word.
You should vary your grammar range, using more passive voice (not too much), inversion, comparative structure, so on.
These are personal opinions^^

@peter164

you need to rephrase to avoid contradicting your statements. Getting a job outside their countries does not make them un-employed unless you meant something else

You cannot state anything as a fact in this type of essay. You are asked to refer only to a personal opinion (when required) or an agreement or disagreement as the original prompt indicates. Since you are giving an opinion, state it as such, you lose points for stating facts where none are required. You are also in error when it comes to responding to the question. You are asked if this is an advantage or disadvantage. You responded that this will make a positive contribution to society, which does not answer the question because you are not being asked about the contribution of the topic to society. Therefore, your TA score will be scored as totally unrelated to the question, making your essay receive a low score from the very start. This low score may be difficult for your essay to overcome as you also have spelling, grammar, and cohesiveness issues in your overall presentation. You are not offering a clear opinion anywhere in the area where it matters, the opinion is not included in the conclusion. That is always given as a part of the first paragraph. You also refer to "I think" which means you failed to develop and present a proper opinion regarding the situation. This is a one point of view essay that requires you to convince the reader that your opinion is based on solid and sound reasons.