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Leadership is one of my favorite subject study and my passion to influence people - Chevening essay

Fatrya 1 / 2  
Oct 27, 2016   #1
Hello everyone im applying chevening scholarship and i would like to get some advice and feed back about my essay about leaderahip and influence.

Thank you for all your time to help me and correct my essay.

Chevening is looking for individuals that will be future leaders or influencers ...

Leadership is one of my favorite subject study and my passion to influence people, challenge me to apply the chevening scholarship. My vision in life to be a great leader in future is a reason to fight in a competition.

Some people think that leadership is a power or ability to lead other people, Koontz and O'Donnell have defined leadership as influencing people to follow the achievement of a common goal. It is the ability to exert interpersonal influence by means of communication towards the achievement of a goal. In my personal statement, leader is an individual to effect the thought, works, and behavior to other people and a decisions maker. Leadership is influencing and motivating other people or group to achieve the goals. There can be no leadership without influence, because influencing is how leaders lead.

My working experience as digital banking manager in bank excercise me to be comunicate to customers also to influence and motivate team for achieve some goals. In advancement of digital technology and banking competition demand banks to always be the best to serve customer and get business profit properly. Sharing ideas from me and from team is very important to perfect the strategies, divide the jobs and maintain the work produces the best result.

In challenges of working for together achievement is not always suitable as we planned, sometimes problems come to push and force us to quit. My role to always be stable in every condition, motivate other and influencing by thoughts and by works. In my opinion a leaders should be a role model to influence other people.

Despite my work in banking industry, never change my passion about public affairs and society. Instead, my work in team excercise me to lead and be influence, From my work i explore my knowledge about banking, economic, services and technology. Moreover my relationship with customers every day, broaden my knowledge not only about people's character but also knowledge in bussines, lifestyles, society and education

I have passion for further study and visions to back in my country or my province to influence people by my knowledge, my work and my ability.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 11,700 3784  
Oct 27, 2016   #2
Fatria, the first thing you have to do with this essay is delete the first paragraph. Why are you defining leadership and influence as if you were writing a research paper? referring to the academic definition of leadership and the concept of influence, complete with references doesn't move your essay forward, it only takes away the attention of the reviewer from the important information in your essay. In these types of written work, it is always best to just start with the topic of the prompt in the first paragraph. A flowery introduction is not necessary. This is not a high school paper. This is an academic paper for a masters degree course. Therefore, the reviewer is expecting a higher standard of essay writing from you.

You are blessed to be working in a position of such high responsibility in a bank. That is definitely a position that will easily allow you to portray a conflict on the job that required you to lead and inspire the people under your direct supervision. The fact that you are responsible for a whole department in the bank further strengthens this concept. All you have to do to make the point, is relay information about a memorable problem at the office that you had to resolve by successfully leading and inspiring your team. You already gave an overview of something like that in the essay. What you need to do, is be more specific in your discussion. Present the problem, what your role as the leader was, how you hoped to resolve the issue, why and how you inspired your team members, and finally, what the end result of your leadership and influencing intervention was.

This current essay has a generic, uncertain feel to it. You need to portray your confidence both in person and on paper. Most specially on paper because this is a formal interview for your scholarship. So make sure you do your best to make your talents, assets, and traits as leader stand out on paper. Do this within the first paragraph of the essay if you can so that you can maintain the interest of the reviewer throughout the paper.
OP Fatrya 1 / 2  
Oct 27, 2016   #3
Hi @holt thank you so much for your feed back. It really help me. I will make it better. :)

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