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Where are the leisure areas for three different groups of Australian inhabitants?

aniani 20 / 20 13  
Nov 18, 2015   #1
A breakdown of the percentage of the leisure areas attended by 3 different groups of Australian inhabitants is shown in the bar chart. Overall, it can be seen that people living in Australia are keen on going to cinema, while theater is less popular than other 3 places.

The cinema experiences the most popular place to be visited by Australian people. The highest percentage of cinema's spectators witnesses to people who born in Australia, at 70%. While new migrants born in English-speaking country have less point than this. Then, it is just a half of new migrants born in other countries.

The other 3 places are less popular than cinema for Australian citizens. New migrants born in other countries tend to visit library, it has the greatest visitors percentage than another 3 places which is at more than a half. Secondly, the majority of zoo and theater visitors experienced in new migrants born in English-speaking countries, which is at a half for zoo visitors and at approximately a quarter for theater.

EF_Carol - / 145 39  
Nov 18, 2015   #2
Your essay explains the bar graph well! However it has some problems.

visit library...it has

This is a run on sentence and should be two sentences. You should start the new sentence with "it has". This will enable your reader to take a breath, and it flows better.

countries, which

Another run on sentence. Start a new sentence with "This is". This will make for better reading of your ending. In general well written but needs attention to sentence structure especially run ones. Just go over the ones I mentioned and revise them. Your word choice otherwise is good. Some attention to grammar, but spelling is fine. Good start!

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