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TOEFL' Library or Sport , Which one do you think more important ?



odon 12 / 27  
Jan 19, 2014   #1
please , inspect my Essay meaning and grammar . it is for TOEFL
Library or Sport , Which one do you think more important ?
The books are a window to the world. Although we can live without the books , we would have a better live if we read the books. I believe it is the library and not the sport that is more useful for a life .

Firstly , in the university , the ways which education is given are based on the books. For example , if teacher assigned homework to us , we would go to the library and do our assignment because every lesson has its book. Therefore, to have the comprehensive books in the library and be comfortable, managers of the university should focus on the library than the sport.

Secondly , it is enough for keeping health to do physical exercise in two day per week. Even though the sport fetch fame to the university, educated students can fetch more . In order to prepare the educated students , the library effect most efficiently. For that reason , the top universities of American have many libraries and students choose to in what school they study ,exploring availability of the libraries of the universities.

In conclusion, when financial resource is limited , it is right way to spend resource on improving useful things such as condition of the library, computers and scientific laboratories. it is certain that the library is more important than the sport.


eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1170  
Jan 19, 2014   #2
Hi...,

TOEFL iBT writing task 2 is of 300 words long. This means if compared to writing above, you still need more works.

It is because the question asks you to show a preference, I think you'd better make the bodies of the paragraph like this:

One paragraph which explains

Library

, constructed under Topic sentence --- > Example --- > Discussion --- > Conclusion

One paragraph which explains

Sport

, constructed under Topic sentence --- > Example --- > Discussion --- > Conclusion

One paragraph demonstrating your personal preference (this may be an additional paragraph, if you wish)

Thank you.
dumi 1 / 6795  
Jan 19, 2014   #3
please , inspect my Essay meaning and grammar . it is for TOEFL

Then it is better you include "TOEFL" in your title (which I did for you for this essay) so that others would provide you with more task related meaningful feedbacks :)

The books are a window to the world. Although we can live without the books , we would have a better live if we read the books. I believe it is the library and not the sport that is more useful for a life .

You have achieved a remarkable improvement here compared to your previous essay. You've now understood structure very well :D
This introduction is very good, but the only issue I find there is that it doesn't introduce the background of your issue properly. You do not talk about "sports" which too is an important element in your topic until you express your opinion. This is my suggestion;

The books are a window to the world. Although we can live without the books , we would have a better live if we read the books. Sports too play a vital role in keeping people healthy and fit. However, I believe it is the library and not the sports facilities that is more useful for one's life .


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