Nguyen, your total approach to this essay would be considered only partially correct in an actual test setting. this is due to the lack of proper discussion documentation on your part. The opening paraphrase is lacking in informative elements, and your 2 body paragraph discussion is improperly formatted as it does not present all of the required information for the given text.
The opening paraphrase needs to be a proper representation of all the required discussion parameters. Make sure that you always represent the key information in your restatement as this proves that you understood what the original prompt is talking about. For this topic, a more suggested prompt paraphrase is as follows:While life is deemed to be effortless for us in the current technologically advanced era, there are people who have come to question whether this is a good or bad thing. Some people view life in the past as being simpler and uncomplicated when compared with today's world. In this essay, a comparison of both points of views will be done prior to my presentation of my personal opinion.
A proper paraphrase will represent the 2 points of view as part of the thesis statement as we all stating it within the introduction sentences of the paragraph. That way, a discussion outline of the topics in the body of paragraphs will be properly represented and can be used by you, as the writer, as a guide in your discussion development.
Now, because body paragraphs did not properly present the public point of view for the 2 points of view paragraph, the total discussion comes across as being only from one point of view, the personal one. Signal phrases such as "There are a group of people who believe that" or "The point of view that supports..." help to clarify that the point of view of the author is not yet represented. That the all too important general discussion is still being referred to in the paragraph means that you are presenting a clear discussion of one point of view. However, because you have multiple topics indicated per paragraph, you do not really represent a developed discussion for your reasons. Rather, you are only providing topic sentences, sans a real supporting discussion for the POV presented.
A properly developed paragraph has only one topic sentence at the start and uses reasoning and examples presented in no more than 5 sentences to support the given POV. In this instance, you presented several reasons per paragraph, but it lacks proper discussion presentations to be effective. The correct discussion here would be:
Par. 2 - First reason with supporting data and example
Par. 3 - Second reason with supporting data and example
Par. 4 - Personal POV (based on the public reasoning you support) with a personal experience example
Do you see why your essay will be deemed to be only partially correct ? You cannot simply say
I believe that every period has its own issues.
to represent your personal point of view. A personal point of view is never used as a concluding paragraph because that creates an open ended essay rather than a closed essay. A closed essay recaps the previous information and thesis statement as a summary presentation of the discussion. That is the information required for a proper closing summary.