Lifelong lessons - Personal Eperience essay for CBEST.

living as a refugee in harsh weather

Prompt: In the past few years, all over the world, we have seen some extreme weather. Tell a true story about the fun or challenging time you had during bad or extreme weather and what you learned about yourself because of this experience.

Topic statement: living in the refugee in harsh weather made me a stronger person today. The best teacher in life is Time and hard times, but the best lesson learned from though times.

Intro:
Life is a written story of a good time, bad times and challenge. However, some bad times or challenges are forgotten the next minute, and some have a lifelong effect on a person's life. I was eleven years old when my family becomes a refugee, and we moved to a refugee camp in Pakistan. Life in the camp thought me many valuable lessons, however, the most important lesson was how to live and adjust to the harsh climate. It was the first time for me to be faced with the coldest weather and heavy rain. The tough challenges of life in the refugee camp made me a humble and stronger person today

First, in 1986 Russia invaded Afghanistan and bombard all over the county. My family was forced to escape for their lives and leave everything behind. When we were leaving, we had no time to pick our clothes, shoes, or daily use things. We walk for ten days on foot in the mountains and jungles before we were able to reach a refugee camp in Peshawar, Pakistan. In the camp, my family was given one tent for 15-people in the family. Lack of food and water supply made our life disaster; however, the most challenging time was about to knock on the door. The monsoon season was about to start, and it was the first time we experience extreme weather conditions.

Furthermore, it was a Friday night, and I was sleeping in a tent. Suddenly, I felt drips of water on the face; I woke up and I was hearing loud noise of thunder, wind and loud noise of rain. It seemed like I was sleeping in the pond. There was water everywhere, and there was no place to hide or take shelters. I stayed up all night and covered myself with a big plastic bag. I thought to myself, I will never make it to the morning. During this rainy season plastic become the most valuable thing, everyone. people wait in line to buy a sheet of plastic because we had covered our tent with plastic to keep it warm and dripping.

Additionally, After the rain was over, the camp elder assembly meeting was called. The assembly decided to get ready for next year's monsoon season; Permanent housing needed to be built from mud and rocks. Also, everyone in the camp was required to help in the building process. Children also played a vital role in the building process because children were required to bring water from the river to the construction site. Adults were required to collect mud and rocks, and women were required to cook food to serve all workers. As a result and community, we were able to build homes, shelters, clinics, schools and created water supply sources.

In the final analysis, I learned lifelong lessons from the harsh weather in the refugee camp. I learned how to be patient, stronger, and have a soldier mentality. Also, those days thought me and showed me the power of community building and help each other. Now I have created a non-profit organization (NGO) based in Fremont California, which provides winter clothing to people in the refugee camps around the world. My NGO collects blankets, jackets, shoes, and every year my NGO sends 5 to 10 containers to different parts of the world, so there is no other child that is soaked in the water till the morning.

Your essay stays on point throughout. You clearly understood the prompt and your narration is acceptable. There are is a repeated word choice error in the essay. You keep addressing the word taught , meaning to teach, as thought, which means to think. This vocabulary error is disturbing to me because it shows that you do not have a strong English word foundation. You also displayed some errors in sentence formation, which resulted in an improper understanding of the sentence. That is located in the following:

... our tent with plastic to keep it warm and dripping.

You just told the examiner that you bought a plastic cover to allow your tent to keep on leaking into the sleeping area underneath the tent. The correct representation is:

.. it warm and prevent the tent from dripping.

The above partial sentence indicates that you are using the plastic bag for 2 related reasons, to keep you warm and to stop the water from entering the tent because the rainwater makes you feel cold and wet. Clarity is important when presenting a narrative. So you have to make sure that you do not confuse the examiner as he reads your work. Otherwise, you will lose additional points for your improper presentation. There are other errors in your work but these are the ones that I feel your attention needs to be called to the most.

While your sentence structure errors are frequent, it does not often prevent the understanding of what you are trying to say. While that may be so, you should still focus on presenting clear, properly structured, and appropriately formatted sentences. Otherwise, you could end up with an essay that will fall under the 2 band score. I will be generous here and give you a starting score of 3. Just pay attention to the necessary corrections and always make sure to deliver clearly developed and properly worded essays next time. You should be able to improve your score next time if you focus on proper word usage and sentence clarity.

@Holt

Thank you, a lot for your comments and suggestions. I am ESL student. Do you have any suggestions for me to improve my vocab use. please let me know

Hi :)

I really hope one day I could write as good as this essay.