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'My lifetime goal was to attend an American university' - 2 sentences


international3 1 / -  
Feb 22, 2012   #1
I feel like these two sentences do not flow and sound a little awkward when reading them.

Through my experiences that have been accumulated over the years combined with a tremendous amount of willpower and determination, I am willing to devote myself to my college community. My lifetime goal has always been to attend an American university and pursue a career in computer related major, and I hope that you will sincerely consider my request.

waldo01 6 / 19  
Feb 22, 2012   #2
Hi,

Your sentences don't flow together but that's fine as were here to help :). I understand what you are trying to say but your sentences seems to be jumping from one point to another. I suggest u say something like this

I believe that i would be an excellent devotee to the community college as i have tremendous experience,will power, and determination. My lifetime goal has always been to attend an American university and pursue a career in computer related major. I hope you sincerely consider my request.

Also, what i would suggest is that you add a little meat to your explanation.Say things like what you didas in accomplishments becuase you mentioned that you have a lot of experience so mention some of them.

Also,Please help me edit my essay on the ballad of sad cafe


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