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My lifetime goal is to go a good school and secure my future so I can help my parents and family


GabbyCano 1 / 1  
Nov 26, 2015   #1
I need help on feedback and what you think of my college undergraduate essay.

Topic C: Considering your lifetime foals, discuss how your current and future academic and extracurricular activities might help you archive your goals.

My essay:

My lifetime goal is to go a good school and secure my future so I can help my parents and family members financially. For the longest time I thought that I would become an interior designer, but it wasn't until last summer when I visited my aunt, who is an architect in Mexico. It was watching her work and see how she saw everything from scratch; from having an idea of creating a building, to buying land, to calling engineers, to contracting constructors, and designing the interior of each room to the taste of the client, that inspired me to take a step higher and also become an architect.

The class that are helping get an idea of what it would be like when I mayor in architecture is engineering. In engineering we have to find a task, create sketches, write the measurements, build our machine, and revise our work as it goes. Although in engineering differs from architecture, both share their similarities like: designing, planning, the science of construction, and structural function. I learn in engineering that it takes a lot of motivation, determination and revision to make a structure work. This will help me when I study architecture since I would have to use these aspects when designing and constructing a place.

I made a last minute change on what I wanted to mayor in, but my hard working attitude and my constant motivation to provide to my parents and family members to have a better life pushes me to become the best version of me. I imply what I learned in engineering holds true to my everyday life; I have to be motivated to learn and go forward despite the challenges, determined to push myself through until I complete my goal, and revise my way of life and work place so I would improve the quality of my work. Teachers often praise me for working hard and maintaining good grades, despite that my English in not my first language. Giving is not an option for me; I will continue to work hard and push myself forward; going to college will give me that opportunity to fulfill my lifetime goals.

hasbi 29 / 42 23  
Nov 26, 2015   #2
For the longest time(COMMA) please pay attention how to use punctuation after introductory phrase I thought that I would become an interior designer...

The class that are IShelping get an idea of what it would be like when I mayor MAJOR in architecture is engineering. In engineering(COMMA) we have to find a task...
... both share their similarities like: SUCH AS designing, planning...
... and revision to make a structure STRUCTURED work.

this is my advice for your ideas.
here we go to look the prompt:
current and future academic and extra-curricular activities might help you archive your goals

there are three are there main points
1. current academic
2. your academic in the future
3. extra-curricular activities.

overal your essay has succeeded to answer the point 1,however your explanations haven't strong yet. this is because you show to us about your skill and not your academic condition these days realted your goals. for the second point, there is no explanation about your expectation about your academic in the future and you solely describe your class condition. please make point that rational your goals and related your activities today.

your statement in the last paragraph is not strong. why you decide to choose this subject. and you are LOSS to put your organization experience. there is no explanation your have involved your self in an organization or community service. in my perception, this matter is too essential because it related to your leadership skills
fahmisadja 33 / 33 34  
Nov 26, 2015   #3
Hi Grabiela,

I am pleased to read your essay, such a great motivation! Sure, you can explain successfully what motivate you to be an architect! I can say that you are brave to take engineering first to get your dreams to be architect whereas both of them are quite different. What a challenge way. So, you can strive and give your best effort. On the other hand, in my opinion, architecture major is more specific than engineering. If you really have a passion to be an architect, why you do not take architecture. In other words, you will not get particular subject or experience in architect if you take engineering.

To make your essay stronger and more attractive, I believe it is important to tell your clearly goals. For example, I wanna be an architect and work in the best construction company in my country. Then, I'll take my specialist in designing office building, so I can provide outstanding building for a lot of workers in several big cities in my country. Afterwards, I can earn money and support my family life.

Finally, I just realize that you should explore and elaborate your current academic and extracurricular activities that can support you to bridge your next studies and your objectives of life.

I hope it can helps. Good luck then :)
hasdymath 11 / 25  
Nov 26, 2015   #4
hi, after I read your essay, it is really impressive. But, you need to rearrange your firts paragrph or we called introduction. Here my advise is:

My lifetime goal is to go a good school [...] take a step higher and also become an architect.

Every essay or assignment you write must begin with an introduction. It might be helpful to think of the introduction as an inverted pyramid. In such a pyramid, you begin by presenting a broad introduction to the topic and end by making a more focused point about that topic in your thesis statement. The introduction has three essential parts, each of which serves a particular purpose

The first part is the "attention-grabber." You need to interest your reader in your topic so that they will want to continue reading. You also want to do that in a way that is fresh and original. For example, although it may be tempting to begin your essay with a dictionary definition, this technique is stale because it has been widely overused. Instead, you might try one of the following techniques:

- Offer a surprising statistic that conveys something about the problem to be addressed in the paper.
- Perhaps you can find an interesting quote that nicely sums up your argument.
- Use rhetorical questions that place your readers in a different situation in order to get them thinking about your topic in a new way.
- If you have a personal connection to the topic, you might use an anecdote or story to get your readers emotionally involved.


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