IELTS GT WRITING TASK 1: You would like to do a PT job while you are studying in another country

Hi all, grateful for your comments if my letter is clear enough and the tone is right for a letter with friend?

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You are going to another country to study. You would like to do a part-time job while you are studying, so you want to ask a friend who lives there for some help.

Write a letter to your friend. In your letter

- give details of your study plans
- explain why you want to get a part-time job
- suggest how your friend could help you find a job
You should write at least 150 words.
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Hi Jack,

Greetings from Germany! How's it going recently? I am checking in with you to see if you might be able to help me to find a part-time job during my upcoming study in the UK.

I am going to pursue my master degree in London for a year, starting from the coming September, like the plan I mentioned in our last conversation. Yet, I am not fortunate enough to be awarded by the university scholarship, so that I have to source my own fund to pay for the tuition and to support my living. Due to the exchange rate fluctuation, I find out that I should have prepared more savings than I expected.

In this way, I am trying to seek your assistance if you could suggest me some ways and introduce me to find a part-time job during my study period. I would like to get a job from clothing sales industry as I have experiences here in Germany and the working schedule is relatively flexible to fit in my class schedule.

Looking forward to your good news soon! Keep in touch!

Best,
Chris
(187 words)

@plforielts
Hi there. Thanks for your continuous approach towards the site - and I hope that the feedback you receive will somewhat help you in your learning endeavors. Don't hesitate to approach if you have any other additional questions!

Your way of writing is extremely commendable already. Albeit a bit edgy at times because of the lack of organic flow in the text, it was still quite beautifully written. Keep this up! However, I do suggest that you work a bit more on enhancing the reasoning that you use in your writing by packaging your phrasing more delicately. For instance, there was really no need for you to mention that the "currency exchange fluctuation" due to the fact that it's irrelevant for the writing.

Being more specific tremendously helps also. Instead of mentioning vaguely that you have experiences already, try to be specific of its duration, what you did, and how long you worked in your previous jobs. Doing this will help tailor-fit your writing a lot more to be more concise in the direction and purpose.

@Maria
Thank you very much for your words! Your comments do help a lot!

I am aware that I should put more focus on the organisation of the letter/ article. Sometimes I was concerned about the word and time limits so that I couldn't extend my ideas properly and sometimes just wrote too many cliches!

I should calm myself down during the test and jot notes before officially working on it :P