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The line chart illustrates the rate of smoking among males and females in Someland from 1960 to 2000


mainhn 1 / 1  
Jul 11, 2018   #1

The number of male vs female smokers



The line chart illustrates the ratio of men and women smoked in Someland between 1960 and 2000. Overal, the rate of male smokers outweighed the females.
As is shown, in 1960, the percentage of men shot up at 600 in every 1000 people then decreased gradually over a forty- year period before constituting under 300 people at the end of the term. In contrast, the rate of women went through a period of wild volatility. Form 1960 to 1975, the figure went up steadily, reaching a peak of 300 followed by a plateau for 5 years. After 1980, the number went down marginally before turning back to 1970's level in 2000 which shows that the ratio of females doubled in 40 years.

In conclusion, the rate of male smokers was greater than that of female counterparts although the female figure witnessed a little increase in the middle of the period.

I will have an IELTS test next month so it is really helpful if I receive your comments. Thank you a lot




Phuongnguyen256 5 / 10 1  
Jul 11, 2018   #2
You're welcome. Below are my suggestions
smoked -> smoking/ smokers
overal-> overall
wild-> abrupt
volatility. -> fluctuation
form -> from
-It is OK to understand your essay's meaning but this is not a proper essay with separate parts. The introduction has 2 unclear sentences and lacks of information.Also., the trend is that the number of male smokers dropped significantly while the number of female smokers increased.
pham1706 - / 2  
Jul 11, 2018   #3
I think the writing task 1 should be divided into 3-4 paragraphs: 1 introduction, 1 overview paragraph and 1-2 paragraphs to describe the chart. You do not need to write the conclusion for this task.
Holt [Contributor] - / 6,681 1671  
Jul 11, 2018   #4
Nguyen, you definitely met the minimum word count and even went over by one word. However simply meeting the word count does not mean that you will pass the test when you do not follow the required format nor deliver on an analytical report of the presented line graph. You did not really write a summary overview, nor did you provide an acceptable trending statement. This essay was written in a rush and did not give much thought to actually working on an academic presentation in order to meet a passing mark. You only wrote for the sake of writing in this instance, which is definitely a bad way of writing a task 1 essay. I know this is your first time writing a Task 1 essay so let me offer you some advice as to how to best deliver the 4 paragraph format.

1st Paragraph (Summary Overview):
1. Topic statement
2. Measurement type
3. Measurement brackets
4. Trending statement

Example:

A line graph has been provided for comparison and review purposes. It indicates information regarding the number of male and female smokers in Someland. A red line measures the male smokers and the red line measures the female smokers. The smokers are measured per gender at a rate of 1,000 people based on a 5 year comparison covering the years of 1960 up to 2000. The trend shows a decrease in male smokers from 1960 to 2000 and an increase in female smokers over the same period.

2nd - 4th Paragraph:

Do a measurement comparison for both genders over a 15 year period. Mention the individual then the group comparisons. Make sure to note any similar measurement ranges. Never discuss all of the information in a single paragraph. That creates confusion for the reader and portrays an under developed discussion of the given information. Paragraph formatting is important for coherence and cohesiveness. Split up the paragraphs into discussions covering 15 years at a time (e.g. 1960 +1965+1970 = 1 paragraph discussion) There is no need for a discussion as this is a paraphrasing of given information. There is no conclusion to be made.
OP mainhn 1 / 1  
Jul 11, 2018   #5
@Holt
How can I lengthen my essay? It is my weakness.
DUONGVUTUANMINH 1 / 3 1  
Jul 11, 2018   #6
I have some recommendations for your essay. Firstly, it is vital to have a sturdy structure, you should have 1 to 2 sentences for the introduction and the overall. Subsequently, possessing 3-4 sentences in the next 2 paragraphs. And what I do like about your essay that it actually has a conclusion which is a very good way to lengthen an essay. Notwithstanding, I think you should develop your idea like this with the purpose of securing decent word count. In each main paragraph, you should say the overall trend, more specific details, and comparison. I always write a writing task 1 essay like that.


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