IELTS Writing task 1 - Line graph and table about water use worldwide and water consumption

Hi all. It's my first time posting an essay here. Please give me some advice about organization and help me fix this essay, thanks!!!

Global water use by sector

The graph and table below give information about water use worldwide and water consumption in two different countries.

My answer:

The line graph and table compare the amount of water used for agriculture, industry and homes around the world, and water consumption in Brazil and Congo in 2000.

It is clear that global water use rose significantly from 1900 to 2000, and agriculture need the most water to keep it working. We can also see that water consumption in Brazil was more higher than Congo.

In 1900, around 500 km3 water was used by agricultire, and industrial and domestic use stood around one fifith of that amount. By 2000, global water used for argriculture had risen significantly to around 3000 km3, and industrial and domestic water use had also increased to around 1100km3 and 500km3 respectively.

According to the table, the population of Brazil was 176 million whitch is higher than the population of Congo, at only 5.2million. Water consumption per person in Brazil and Congo is 359m3 and 8m3 respectively, and it can explain that the irrrigated land in Brazil is 265 times bigger (as big as) than the irrigated land in Congo.

(174 words)

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Hi! You're welcome. I have some advices for you.
Firstly, It seems that you know how to separate the paragraphs but you should put more linking words inside the paragraphs in order to connect the sentences. For example: in the second paragraph, ... it working. Besides,We can also see...

Secondly, just focusing on describing the graph and do not guess anything as to keep it working (in my opinion)
I hope this will help you a little bit.

You have too many run on sentences in every paragraph. This has affected the presentation format of your report. The sentences should be divided in every presentation with only 3-5 sentences clearly reporting on the images present. You cannot combine the information for the line graph and table in the presentation. Those are two separate images that should have been reported with their individual information reports within the summary overview.

You are not clearly showing a vast range of punctuation mark usage in this essay. You are limited to only periods and commas. That is why you have run on sentences. You do not have a proper balance of properly formatted simple and complex sentence presentations. Review the rules for simple and complex sentence formats and follow it next time you write an essay. Try to avoid the over usage of commas in your presentation. Also, make sure you have 3-5 sentence per paragraph as required for the proper paragraph formatting / requirements.