toefl-Live performance or TV, which is more enjoyable; 'annoying advertisements'

Hi,
please give me some advice for my toefl essay.
Thank you.

Live performance of television broadcast, which is more enjoyable

As entertainment becoming a necessary part of daily life an accumulating number of people contribute a large amount of money to short-time relaxing , such as live performance. Yet some people prefer television broadcast with low cast. As far as I am concerned, the former choice seem to fit my condition. Not only does the valuable chance to see my idol attract me but also the passion in the live show drives me make up my mind. And the live performance totally gets me out from the obstruction of TV advertisements.

There is no argument that it is unbelievably exciting to face your idol . For example, I will catch it at any account if the opportunity to see my idol-Sarah Conner is available. Because it is totally different from hearing her voice on TV. And how many times could I have to be so privileged in my lifetime. Maybe the ticket price is as amazing as the concert .But it is completely worthy.

Besides that the passion in the live show is a crucial reason that I can not give up it. Just image a picture :Thousands of people who have the same emotion with me wave our hands and sing our favorite song together. It is impossible to feel the shocking in any other place. Maybe somebody hold the idea that it is unnecessary to cheer up in the live show and it is same to enjoy music at home. Nevertheless I have to say we are not only audiences in the live show but also the participators who are creating sensation.

Last but not the least, the TV advertisements really annoy me. Because they often ruin my dream that obtaining the complete relaxing in the program. Who needs a break at the climax of the show.

While in the live show I could get rid of the shadow of being disturbed.

In a word, a live performance for me is a so extraordinary experience that I vote to it unconditionally .Other people at the opposite side may have a good life without it. But they do miss something.

Oh dear. The grammar here is bad enough that it hinders the readers' ability to easily follow your ideas. So, you need to work on polishing your grammar. To start, try phrasing your ideas more simply, and without taking recourse to extra words. For instance:

Before: "As entertainment becoming a necessary part of daily life an accumulating number of people contribute a large amount of money to short-time relaxing , such as live performance."

After: "Many people spend a lot of money to be able to watch live performances."

Sean, thank you so much for your advice. I think i understand what you mean.
This is my revised edition. please give me more advice.

Live performance or television broadcast, which is more enjoyable

Nowadays many people spend a lot of money to be able to watch live performances. Others prefer television broadcast whose cost is low. As far as I am concerned, the former choice seems to fit my condition. There are numerous reasons for why I support live show, but I would only explore three of them below.

There is no argument that it is unbelievably exciting to face your idol. If the opportunity to see my idol-Sarah Conner personally is available I will catch it at no cost, because it is totally different from hearing her voice on TV. And how many times could I have to be so privileged in my lifetime. Maybe the ticket price is as amazing as the concert .But it is completely worthy.

Besides, the warm atmosphere in the live show is a crucial reason. Just imaging a scene that thousands of people who have the same emotion with your wave their hands and sing the same song together. It is impossible to feel the shock in any other place. Maybe somebody hold the idea that it is unnecessary to cheer up in the live show and it is same to enjoy music at home. Nevertheless I have to say we are not only audiences in the live show but also the participators who are creating sensation.

Last but not the least, the live performance totally gets me out from the obstruction of TV advertisements. The terrible advertisements often ruin my dream that obtaining the complete relaxing in the program. Who needs a break at the climax of the show. While in the live show I could get rid of the shadow of being disturbed.

In a word, a live performance for me is a so extraordinary experience that I vote to it unconditionally .Other people who oppose spending much money on the live performance may have a good life without the memory of being in the action. But they do miss something.