Unanswered [3] / Urgent [0] / SERVICES
 DrAfT!
Home / Writing Feedback 5

We are living in the world of highly-educated people


Topic : some people believe that a college or university education should be available to all students

education is essential

No centuries before but the 21st century has witnessed a visually spectacular mounting in numerous fields due to large numbers of highly-educated people. What's more, tertiary education is considered as the determining factor that produces dozens of graduates who are ready to cope with all changes, the various working environment and the well-advanced technology. However, there is an opinion emerges that university education should be restricted to the very best academic students. From my perspective, such accessment is entirely unjustifiable and I strongly support that it should be available to a large propotion of youngsters. This is a much better situation for several reasons.

On the one hand, it is conspicuous that straight after finishing high school, teenagers will face the dilemma of whether to get a job or continue with higher education. If governmental bodies follow the idea that higher education should be in conformity with only good students, then a large number of other youngsters will choose to abandon education and start working, because their previous volitions of higher education are all annihilated, eventually, it will imply dozens of complicated problems. The imbalance in the academic standard is clearly the typical example for this case. Moreover, academic qualifications are required in various professions, the job market is mounting up competitively and unemployments are inevitable. Young people who do not have qualifications with great academic performance from universities will never stand a chance in the society.

On the other hand, in order to grow students's talent pools, there should be equal rights for individuals to be given opportunities to tap their potential to the full and work towards their lifelong ambitions. Everything in this world is based on the principles of justice which no longer have discriminatory treatment anymore. Going to universities is a part of this. By way of illustration, the well-off students of influential families can choose some private universities that have tremendous fees; the diligent students who study incessantly can be suitable for high-ranked universities or the students those living blow the line go with moderate fees universities. Generally, it is fair that anyone who could benefit from tertiary education should access to one, because in some cases, no one could even know that by receiving higher education, accidentally, that student who was trivival and impoverished could shake off poverty, climb high up to the social ladder and then live better off.

All in all, education is integral to the economic and social well-being of the entire country, therefore, making all education as well as tertiary education available throughout the country can eliminate illiteracy and pave the way for economic and social development. From those aforementioned reasons, I strongly believe that without exerting adverse effects or panic-stricken consequences on the society as a whole, university education should be available not only to those with good academic performance at middle school, but to those who are little bit mediocre as well.

p/s : Dear teachers, how do i score with that essay in IELTS writing task 2 ???

Hi Harry,

... due to a large numbers ...
... with all the changes, the various working environment environments and the well-advanced technology.
... restricted to the a very best ...
.., such accessment assessment is entirely unjustifiable unjustified and (...) it should be available to a large propotion of youngsters available to youngsters on a large proportion.

Suggestion : learn more how to put an article, a/an, the or - then should you best to read up the way how to write in academic style.
Sep 12, 2017   #3
Harry, you have focused so much on impressing the examiner with your vocabulary knowledge and word usage that you lost focus of the actual prompt requirements. You have given a discussion so complex and heavily worded with "big" words that you definitely have proven that you know a lot of English words. However, knowing a lot of English words and actually discussing the prompt as per the original requirements are two different things. You may know English words but not how to use them in a given conversation. Which is entirely the case in this essay. Numerous run on sentences exist in the paragraphs because you decided that it would be better to just keep writing in English without really creating a coherent and cohesive discussion point. You used commas to continue discussions where it should have already ended and new sentences should have been presented. You decided that it would be best to get around the 5 sentence, 5 paragraph limitation of the exam essay instead of trying to prove that you have the academic skills to provide a proper discussion within the required parameters of the essay. Do not sacrifice the clarity of your discussion in favor of showing off your language skills. Discussing focused paragraphs will always be better than just rambling on as you did in this essay, with unfocused discussion paragraphs. Your coherence and cohesiveness are affected which will lower your overall score. By the way, next time, please post the complete prompt instructions and not just the topic for discussion. I cannot further consider the possible problem points of your essay when the instructions I am given for analysis of your work is incomplete.
dear holt, so you mean that discussing focused paragraphs will always be better than just using too many academic words ? right ?
my Coherence and cohesiveness are affected so how about the overall score ? which band can i get in writing task 2 with that essay w the topic " : Some People Believe That A College Or University Education Should Be Available To All Students. Others Believe That Higher Education Should Be Available To Only Good Students. Discuss These Views. Which View Do You agree with ?? "
my mentors always remind me not to over complicate my essays. Also, they constantly tell me that my essays should be reader responsible all the time.


Home / Writing Feedback / We are living in the world of highly-educated people