Loss of plants and animals vs other major environmental issues

Some people say that the main environmental problem of our time is the last of a particular species of plants and animals.
Others say that there are more important environmental problems.

Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

This is my essay:

It is believed by some that the primary environmental issue faced by humans is the last of specific species of plants and animals, while others believe that there are graver environmental issues. While the disappearance of certain species can result in a rise in certain illnesses, there are more crucial environmental issues faced by humans, such as air pollution.

On the one hand, the disappearance of some species can lead to widespread diseases caused by some animals. This is because those species feed upon certain animals and plants that are dangerous to people. Their disappearance will exponentially increase the population of these animals and the diseases they transmit. For example, in Italy, they conducted an experiment in which they got rid of cats in one of their cities. This led to an overpopulation of rats throughout that city and led to a spike in rat-borne illnesses. However, I disagree that this is the biggest environmental threat because there are technological remedies that can address this issue.

On the other hand, it is thought that air pollution is the gravest issue that humans have to deal with. This is because there has been a significant increase in activities that contribute negatively to the environment in recent times. There are several factories setup in every country that release toxic gases into the atmosphere, which makes the air harmful for us to breathe and can result in several health complications, such as lung and heart diseases. For example, the NHS reports admitting several patients each year for preventable lung conditions who live closer to such factories. Therefore, I agree with this view because it is detrimental to one's health.

In conclusion, even though the extinction of some species can result in an increase in certain diseases, the pollution of the air is more crucial and should be dealt with at the earliest.

Thank you in advance for the comments!

I found at least 2 severe word usage problems that would lead to a failing LR score. You incorrectly used the words "last" and "graver" throughout the essay.

Last refers to a type of finality while graver is an engraving tool. The essay topic is about the "loss" of a species. As for your opinion, I believe you meant to use the reference "greater" indicating more important problems. Such word usage errors when the writer knows the meaning of a word, but not the spelling. In these cases, referring to a dictionary would be best. The problem is that a dictionary will not be available during the actual test so improving your vocabulary pre-test is of the utmost importance.

Another first paragraph problem is that the writer has not properly formatted the opinion sentence. It should clearly indicate that the last sentence use an opinion and discussion basis formulated by the writer. Proper pronoun usage is needed throughout.

Proper first, second, and third pronoun usage helps indicate the correct comparative discussion format in the paragraphs. Pronoun referencing results in a better GRA score since it shows knowledge of correct grammar usage on the ESL part. Right know there are no differentiation pronouns used so the essay is single rather than multiple view reflective, which does not meet the discussion instruction.

Each reasoning paragraph could also be scored as needing more development since the personal opinion only states an opumon without a complete explanation why it is such. Those need to be at least 2 sentences long to achieve that.

There are actually more problems with this essay but this observation post will run too long. Focus on these basic problems first and show improvement with your next essay. We can address more improvement points then.

Thank you for the feedback. Will definitely work on identified mistakes. Could you please provide me with a band score along with the breakdown if possible?