Due to the development and rapid expansion of supermarket in some countries, many small, local business are unable to compete. Some people think that the closure of local business will bring about the death of local communities.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
small shops face extinction
Nowadays, a lot of big supermarkets are appearing every day. Some people say that it could ruin local businesses because they can't compete with supermarkets and it would be the end of small businesses. I partially agree with the idea that supermarkets are strong and it is hard for local shops to fight with them, but I think they still can protect themselves, sure they will have fewer customers, but it is not the end. I'm going to describe why, in following paragraphs.
First of all, The big supermarkets with so many branches have a lot of resources which makes it hard for local shops to win. Supermarkets can offer various kinds of discounts and make special plans for their loyal customers, they can present goods for different tastes. Personally, when I have to buy lots of stuff, I prefer going to one supermarket instead of going to different small stores.
On the other hand, supermarkets are often hard to reach, usually, because of the distance and traffic, people can't go to them for every little item. It is when the small shops come in handy. There has always been a small shop available in the neighborhood that can fulfill people's basic needs.
In conclusion, even though the supermarkets are very useful both for people and economy and of course made our life much easier, everyone prefers to get basic items from the nearest small shop in the neighborhood with a friendly and familiar face. And that's the reason, although local shops can't compete with big supermarkets, they still can survive if they change their business plan tiny bit.
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Before I proceed, I would like to respond to the question that you posed in a previous thread. It is important that you follow the English written grammar rules when writing an IELTS or TOEFL essay. I do not know who told you that it is not important to capitalize the letters in an IELTS test. That is not the case. There is a specific section that scores your ability to properly construct sentences and paragraphs within the given English writing requirements. That is scored in the GRA or Grammar Range and Accuracy portion. The main requirement there is that you show a good grasp of sentence development through the use of the proper punctuation marks. That is a clear indication in the scoring system. That is why I am worried that whoever is teaching you to write these essays is doing you a disservice by offering you the wrong advice, which could result in your failure to score a passing mark in the actual test. Now, on to your new essay proper.
Your opening statement is still highly similar to the original statement provided. You must avoid doing this because you are being scored on your ability to restate the discussion topic and discussion process in your own words. That is how you prove that you have the comprehension skills to follow instructions and participate in proper discussions when you get to class. In order to present a totally different paragraph that still says the same thing, you should try something like:
Supermarkets are becoming more common in various countries. This has resulted in the closure of most small commercial establishments which has led to an assumption on the part of most people that local communities may cease to exist due to the demise of certain local trading establishments. I partially agree with this idea based upon a few personal reasons and examples.
You have an erroneous closing paragraph. Yet again, you continued to discuss reasons based upon the original prompt discussions in a section that is not meant to contain a new topic discussion. Rather, the closing statement must follow the same presentation as the opening statement. Only this time, you should include a summary of the reasons that were discussed in the body of paragraphs. That is the formal template for all IELTS essays and should be followed at all times.
Your essay structure is quite good.
In the first paragraph as a reader, I expected some positive points about small businesses that can supports that they could compete.
The second paragraph is well organized but you could add a simple example of purchasing a special thing.
In the conclusion, some points expressed that not discussed before like "they change their business plan tiny bit".
/many/ big supermarkets
Hope it is helpful.
Hi just_writer. You have a lot of comma splices and run-on sentences in your essay. A comma splice is where you connect two complete thoughts, known as independent clauses, with a comma. To connect two independent clauses, you have to either use a semicolon or a conjunction preceded by a comma. An alternative is to split the two independent clauses into two sentences, each beginning with a capital letter and ending with a period. A final alternative is to convert one of the independent clauses into a dependent clause, so you can use a comma to connect them both.
So for instance, your run-on sentence
"I partially agree ... the end."
Could be rewritten:
... supermarkets are strong, and it (...) to fight against them. Nevertheless, I think they still can protect themselves. Although they will have ...
I connected your first two independent clauses with a comma followed by a conjunction. I split your second independent clause off into its own sentence. I converted your fourth independent clause into a dependent clause by adding "Although" and then combined it with your fifth independent clause. Try to include as much variety as you can in your sentence structures to show the grader your grammatical range.