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To make our children happy, we must not only have a job but also spend enough time with them - TOEFL


odon 12 / 27 2  
Oct 17, 2014   #1
Hi guys, my essay is for toefl and please inspect it and try to grade it.
If it was a real TOEFL exam, what do you think how much point i would get.


Which would you choose: a high-paying job with long hours that would give you little time with family and friends or a lower-paying job with shorter hours that would give you more time with family and friends? Explain your choice, using specific reasons and details.

What type of job we have is highly influential to our life. In general, the jobs may be classified into two categories- a high-paying job with long hours and a lower-paying job with enough spare time. Sometimes people do their job as if they live for the money. But in fact, we must realize that we work and then gain money so that we can live with our family happily and sufficiently. Therefore, I would choose a lower-paying job with shorter hours.

Firstly, on a healthy level, there is one strong negative drawback in doing job with long hours. Of course, all people need to have proper management ruling when to work and when to rest. But if they have a job with long hours that give little time to rest, it might be so stressful and even underlying causes of unforeseen diseases. Moreover, even though they have a high-paying job, it would be fruitless. In fact, they would need to spend their accumulated money from the high-paying job on curing their disease. As a result, they can see no profits from the job.

Secondly, in my view, family and friends is more precious than any job. Having a job with long hours can destroy valuable relationships with family and friends. For example, in my country, one study was conducted on the divorce of pairs. The result showed that divorcing rate is 3 time higher among families in which husband or wife works extra hours than among families in which pairs have a job with proper time. Thus working time has a strong impact on the good relationship with husband or wife.

In conclusion, one main purpose of the parents is to bring up their children sufficiently and happily. Thus they do a job and try to provide their children with necessities as much as they can. But most important thing is that children always want to be with their parents rather than being sufficient. We must understand that in order to make our children happy, we must not only have a job but also spend enough time with them. Consequently, I would choose a lower-paying job with shorter hours that would give you more time with family and friends
Vns9x 102 / 236 16  
Oct 17, 2014   #2
Great essay, However i consider the first reason is not that convincing. To fix it, you have to write that it does not apply to every human being e.t.c
tekikurin 1 / 2  
Oct 20, 2014   #3
Hello odon. This is great essay! But some sentence ( for me) sound strange such as:
What type of job we have is highly influential to our life. I think:Nowadays,type of job, high-paying job may be influnce a part of our life

Thus they do a job. I think: Thus they work hard
we must not( mustn't= forbid)

I'm sorry. I don't know the score in TOEFL so I don't know how much point did you get!!!!
But you essay really good ;)
OP odon 12 / 27 2  
Oct 21, 2014   #4
Tkanks, tekikurin, for advising :D


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