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'Making money first' - IELTS- task 2 cause and effect writing


Olivia Han 1 / 1  
Nov 30, 2013   #1
Hi, everyone, since I have had my first score of IELTS, I have decided to work very hard on my writing part. Here is a cause-effect types of writing. I know grammar is my first difficult job to conquer, but I am not so sure about my supporting idea in this article. Is is strong and clear enough? Hope you can help me, thank you.

Question
The birth rate in most developed countries is predicted to begin to fall over the next 50 years. By 2030 it is estimated that over on third of the population in most developed countries will be aged 65 and over.

What effects will these predictions have on developed countries if they prove true? What can be done now to deal with this situation?

Writing
It is undeniable that the birth rate in developed countries is declining each year recently. Moreover, people above the age of 65 are increasing significantly. There are several causes of this alarming trend, but measures could certainly be taken to tackle the problem.

It is likely that one of the most prominent causes giving rise to this problem is the major change in our society due to capitalism. In the earlier time of Taiwan, every family was relying on farm. They owned their lands and bred what they need such as crops or fruits. It might sound easy but actually farming need lots of human resources. Therefore, people gave birth and cultivated their children as part of family cooperation in agriculture. This is why no matter how poor people are they still keep conceiving and carrying. However, everything has changed with society transformation. When capitalism has been separating to the whole world, its main concept- making money becomes the first thing. They work very hard to earn money for living. Meanwhile, establish a completed family is not so important and necessary like before.

Moreover, people especially young adults who will find out that feeding children needs much money and many time. Because money becomes most people's priority, it is easy to say that give birth is wasting money. This view of point will affect their willing to have children.

In my opinion, government can legislate some laws and methods to deal with the lowest birth rate. For the finance, they can prove subsidy for nursery school and daycare. Besides, helping parent to find jobs is also necessary especially women.

All in all, although the birth rate in developed countries is nowadays still decreasing but we can fight and defeat this menace with strong will power and taking some aggressive actions as described above.
EF_Team [Moderator] 41 / 222 15  
Nov 30, 2013   #2
government can legislate some laws and methods to deal with the lowest birth rate

What about the fact that the same governments claim the world is overpopulated? You might want to add a paragraph on that to make the essay more balanced.
duo008 6 / 39 5  
Dec 1, 2013   #3
content is good, but it seems not really match the question

and your didn't give some solution to support your opinion
OP Olivia Han 1 / 1  
Dec 1, 2013   #4
Than you for your advises. I found that I focus on causes too much then make my solutions weak.
So is it okay to cut off the "Moreover, people especially...." and extend my solutions?


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