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Male or female are become the peaceful leader (IELTS task 2)


SHanafi 120 / 415 93  
Feb 12, 2015   #1
Throughout the history, male leaders often made the society more violent and conflicting. If women governed the world, it would be more peaceful world. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give an example to support your idea.

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It is often argued that women leadership in society may bring the most peaceable sense. While it is true for some major reasons, I agree that men could be an eligible chief in keeping world peace.

The decrease of international credence is caused by several national conflicts. Libya, Egypt and Syria are the notorious examples as Qhadafi, Asa'ad and Mubarak ways to conduct their country result on many terrible chaos. In this view, it seems to allow women who have leadership quality in endeavour peace to their county. Au San Suu Kyi, a political leader from Myanmar, has proved that woman has peaceful way to lead. Even though she is in powerful opposition in against military government who arrest her in unfair way in that era, she, further, could create stability around Myanmar in collaboration with the junta. Her steps, then, bestowed her as one of the peace Nobel Prize awardee.

However, women could prove illusory as the best leader from womanhood as they way of leading depict violence and hostility. Margaret Thatcher who ordered British Navy to conquer Falkland Island from Argentina is stance stronger as an obvious example. As results of this force, many victims died and the protest from world peace-lover around the world raised. Apart from the execrable example, history told Mahatma Gandhi as one of the inspiration in leading with peace. He leads in complex struggle to show his basic precepts Ahimsa, no violence, and Satyagraha, resistance from foreign helps. Gandhi proves that leading on against not always use weapon and bomb. Together with Suu Kyi, Gandhi success to become Nobel awardee and also become the symbol of peace.

In conclusion, although women might appropriate to become leader owing to their success in shunning violence, based on the historical fact, I believe that men are too capable to become peacekeeping leader.

fadlanmuzakki 15 / 49 36  
Feb 12, 2015   #2
Hi SHanafi, let me try to ask you some questions, give suggestions and comments.

Grammatical Issues

While it is true for some major reasons

if I do not mistaken, I have commented this preposition in your previous writing but why you repeat the mistake? have you checked your dictionary to make sure the preposition?. I am afraid I am wrong as you reject my suggestion.

it should be : to

she is in powerful oppositionin against

it should be : to

government who arrest her in unfair way in that era,

I know that you want to use adjective clause subject correctly; you, even though, should re-write your sentence to make it easy to follow your flow.

so my suggestion is :

government that arrests her i unfair way in the era,

they way of leading depict violence and hostility

it should be depicts or depicted

Margaret Thatcher who ordered British Navy to conquer Falkland Island from Argentina is stance stronger as an obvious example

I am afraid that this sentence is not easy to read. (your flow sentence)

He leads in complex struggle

why you put a preposition "in" in such a sentence ?, I am afraid that it is not collocate with your verb. I suggest you to check your advance dictionary, and let me know if I am wrong.

many victims died and the protest from world peace-lover around the world raised

do not you think that you should put a coma in this sentence?

inspirationin leading with peace

in is not collocate with inspiration.
it should be = for

resistance from foreign helps

my suggestion => resistance of foreign

Nobel awardee and alsobecome the symbol of peace

do not you think that it is redundant idea? / becomes (subject verb agreement)

I would like to discuss about flows and ideas in the next comment :)

KEEP SPIRIT, KEEP STUDY.
fadlanmuzakki 15 / 49 36  
Feb 15, 2015   #3
Hi SHanafi, as I have said several days ago, I would like to discuss about your flows and sentence.

but before we turn on it, I have corrected my mistake in my comment, it presumably due to lack of concentration when I comment your essay previously.

if I do not mistaken,

I do not have mistaken.

It is often argued that women leadership in society may bring the most peaceable sense. While it is true for some major reasons, I agree that men could be an eligible chief in keeping world peace.

1. ) I utterly believe that we should prevent our first sentence from "it is.."; we, however, have presumably found the pattern in several academic writing samples. Thanks to make it much simpler and clearer, I suggest you to make your first sentence as common as IELTS essay.

2.) To make an introductory paragraph in two sentences is probably acceptable in IELTS essay, especially when it comes under a real-test condition. Nevertheless, I am not totally convinced that you will get higher score if you use the method. I, thus, suggest you to expand your introductory paragraph as long as you can write the topic appropriately and it is not Out of Topic. Furthermore, you can produce your introductory paragraph becoming much clearer and interested by expanding your first paragraph.

3.)

While it is true for some major reasons

As I said previously, it is acceptable but it cannot increase your score because this sentence is bias.

allow me to write introductory paragraph about such a question.

Throughout the history, male leaders often made the society more violent and conflicting. If women governed the world, it would be more peaceful world. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give an example to support your idea.

By last few decades, people had witnessed a great number of men so as to head countries. such a case was increasing widespread disillusionment inasmuch as civil wars, conflicts, and violence had occurred in a society when a male leaders elected. This situation is alarming feminist movements which have become institutionalized and professionalized at the moment. the movement argues that world will be more peaceful when women lead countries or international organizations as the characteristic of female leaders is more tranquility. While it is reasonable as the attribute can reduce conflicts, I have taken up against the statement on behalf of the movement as the conflicts or wars are not only caused by a leader characteristic.

I know this introductory paragraph is too bulky while I believe that ielts examiners would consider this essay to get more then I expected before.

KEEP SPIRIT, KEEP STUDY.


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