IELTS Task I : Male and Female Fitness Membership

The graph below shows the increase of fitness membership between genders in the past 35 years measurement.

Overall, the number of men membership fluctuated with significant range rather than numbers of women membership.

Record noted in 1970 there were 1000 women and more doubled men who joined membership in fitness centre. Furthermore, both trends fluctuated in the onward. In 1975 men membership rose dramatically to 4000 then fluctuated under 3000 member before reach a peak by 5000 in 1995. In addition, numbers of men membership in year 2000 decreased by tenth comparing with the early measurement. However, women trend fluctuated fewer than 3000 at whole of period. Around 2000 women joined membership in 1975 and dipped to 1800 in 1980 then took a top membership by 2900 in 1985. The journey of women trend then decreased by 2100 and toke twins number by 2900 with the couples years ago. Therefore, it is important to underlined that proportion of each gender membership was switch between early and the end of measurement.

• 
  
  

Hi,
I would be assisting you. Few suggestions

Furthermore, both trends fluctuated in the onward. In 1975 men membership rose dramatically to 4000 then fluctuated under 3000 member before reach

Do not mention onward if you meant to say -both trends constantly fluctuated further.

This is not a fair introduction because it is not about increase of fitness. Even at a glance you can see the numbers have dropped in some years. (from 1995 to 2000) Keep your introduction very open to introduce the title of your essay. All what you've got to do is to paraphrase the title and present it to the reader. Also, you should include the time period if any such period is involved with the graphical presentation.

Save 5 to 10 minutes to check your grammatical mechanics.
Specific prepositions it takes for your writing:
Problem: the prepositions are often linked to specific verbs, nouns, and adjectives.
fluctuated with, fluctuated under, switch between, before reach

Correctly use the prepositions that are linked to specific verbs, nouns, and adjectives.
fluctuated around/ between, switch from/ to, before reaching

To me, 2 details (para) look more organised: selecting the key information, including Number, and making comparison/contrast.
Tell me why you don't break this down into two paras? I have seen you work with the two body paras.