IELTS: Media coverage of celebrities is having a negative effect on children.

Please give me feedback on my essay. Thanks so much ^^
Many people believe that media coverage of celebrities is having a negative effect on children.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

There are variety different perspectives on the question of whether or not the appearance of celebrities on mass media is having adverse influence on children. While some people still hold a conservative view that media coverage of celebrities can effect children's behaviors and development in a negative way. It is my personal belief that the biographies and achievements of famous people can benefit children in many ways.

Opponents of the appearance of the famous argue that celebrity scandals damage the children's perception of success. Some singers, and actors, for example, are infamous for their abuse of drug and alcohol. However, that is only a small number. Many celebrities inspire and uplift children through their life and accomplishments and motivate children to gain similar achievements. Furthermore, a large of number celebrities came from poor families, and had to face many hardships and overcome many obstacles on their way to fame.

In addition, many celebrities devote their time and resources for the advancement of society. Indeed, their products such as songs, art pieces, and films contain the undeniable value for people all around the world. Moreover, some famous people have established charity funds to help people living in developing countries and those having serious diseases. Bill Gates, for example, takes actions to help the poor in third world countries, and Angelina Jolie gives humanitarian aid to help many people from all walk of life.

All in all, it has been proven that celebrities are known as people who have the interests of society at heart. Celebrities create activities that can benefit communities, especially the children in many ways. In other words, celebrities not only teach children the way to be successful but they also raise their knowledge about the world.

This is a good start to this essay. There is actually room for more discussion. Most specially in the 2nd paragraph where you were discussing the negative impact that the actions of celebrities sometimes have on children. That portion would have been helped tremendously if you mentioned some celebrities who acted negatively in real life and in the process, influenced their young fans towards negative actions as well. Explaining that the way that the children dress like gang members and talk tough and disrespectfully are attributes that they pick up from the way that the media presents this as a part of the celebrity's way of life and thus, is a good thing.

The paragraph about the publicized the positive effect of celebrities is pure genius on your part. The Angelina Jolie bit, is classic. But Bill Gates is not a celebrity in the true sense of the word so I would choose someone else for the male counterpart. Perhaps Leonardo Di Caprio? Look up his foundation. I know he also does a tremendous amount of charity work.

Now, the main problem of this essay is that, all though it is well written and you provided both sides of the argument, you forgot to take a personal stand on the issue by agreeing or disagreeing to the statement and explaining why. This could be done in the 4th paragraph of the essay. It is obvious that you support the stance that the celebrities have a positive effect on the children. I strongly suggest you present your personal reasons for believing so. Most likely by mentioning how a particular positively influenced you when you are at an impressionable stage in your life. Thus making that person a role model to you based upon the way the media covered the life of the celebrity.

Your last paragraph is also effective. But remember to restate the prompt and reiterate your thesis in the closing statement. Then your essay will be all set for grammar review :-)

Ok, this is your opening sentence and therefore it should be strong enough to grab your reader's attention. So, don't write very long sentences. Write a short sentence that comes with an interesting idea and a good punch. Also try and avoid redundant words in your sentences that you use to lengthen the sentence.

People have varying views on how the media coverage on celebrities would affect the young children.
While some people still hold a conservativestereotype view that media coverage of celebritiesit can effect children's behaviors and development in a negative way,