IELTS Task 2: Modern world make us more dependant or independent

Please check my writing for any mistake.any suggestion to improve my writing will be appreciated.Thanks

Question:Modern world make us more dependant on each others or independent.Discuss both views and give your opinion.

In this modernized era, concept of life has been changed but it is making us more dependent on each other or self sufficient has aroused a debate. Although some people argued that they are now being more dependent on each other than the previous, I believe that we are more self sufficient then previous in some extent.

It is obviously true that our life now become more complex, expensive. Since the dawn of civilization people have been dependent on others for certain aspects where modern world cannot make any changes. For example young people rely on their parents for longer. Children as well as olds are very helpless without the help of their families. Moreover, as human are replaced by technology in many sectors, job loss rates are high. Other members are now dependent on only earning member of a family. Unemployed people receive state benefit. Hi tech advance technologies are now using in health sector but still patient are helpless without health professionals.

Irrefutably, now people are much less dependent on each other compared to past but they rely on machines more than they depend on each other. To illustrate, machines like washing, dish washer, coffee maker make our household work easier. Self service appliance are being used in everywhere from bank to library and any assistance is no longer needed. Furthermore, the internet allows us to solve problem without others help. Online shopping, net banking, booking e ticket all are now effortless through internet without standing in a long queue. Education gives us freedom to make our own decisions. In addition, families are more dispersed now and therefore provide less support. Usually children leave their parents after reach their adulthood.

In conclusion, after analyzing the both views it can be clearly seen that in some areas we are depending on others but on other fields we are more self sufficient. It is agreed that we are now more dependent on technology rather than others help

Although some people argued that they are now being more dependent on each other than the previousearlier , I believe that we arehave become more self sufficient then previous in some extent.independent compared our earlier generations .

It is obviouslytrue that our lifeves have now become more complex,expensive . Since the dawn of civilization people have been dependent on each others for certain aspectsvarious reasons where modern world cannot make any changes. (your idea is not clearly conveyed by this sentence. Are you trying to say that the reasons for which early people depended on each other are still there????) For example young people relydepend on their parents for longermany years . Children as well as oldselders are very helpless without the help of their families. Moreover, as humans are replaced by technology in many sectors,causing higher rates of unemployment . job loss rates are high. Other members are now dependent on only earning member of a family. Unemployed people receive state benefitsupport . Hi tech advance technologies are now usingused in health sector but still patients are helpless without health professionals.------------- Your ideas do not flow properly in this para and this confuses the reader. I wish you re-write this again with a better flow and arrangement of your ideas.

I think it is advanced rather than advance. But have a second opinion. I am not entirely sure.

The conclusion is a bit off. Maybe provide some statistics? Or something that is reasonable.
Upon reading your essay, I can't still determine to agree with your conclusion since the details you gave
have the same weight.

KIU!

Keep that first part simple and clear:
In this modernized era, it is unclear whether contemporary circumstances make us more or less independent.

concept of life has been changed but it is making us more dependent on each other or self sufficient has aroused a debate. Although some people argued that they are now being more dependent on each other than the people of previous generations, I believe that we are more self-sufficient then than people of previous generations t o some extent.

It is obviously true that our life has now become ...

Children as well as olds seniors are very helpless without ...
...like the washer and dryer, dish washer, and coffee maker ...

It is agreed that we are now more dependent on technology rather than on other people.----:-) Nice!! This is a very interesting essay...