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WRITING TASK II - MONEY IS THE ONLY MOTIVATION OF WORKER STAY AT THE SAME WORK


kiki23 37 / 64 4  
Oct 21, 2016   #1
Do you agree that money is the only motivation at work why people prefer working in the same company for many years?

Some might think money is the most common reason why people stay longer in one company; however this statement failed to explain the rest of people struggling into the same work every single day. I would totally disagree with this idea because comfortable working atmosphere and passion they have are the reason why the workers do so.

It has become apparent in recent year that workers are no longer stay in one company for getting the salary offered by the company but because of the comfortable working atmosphere served by them. This statement stand on the actual event that workers prefer to work at a conducive place with minimum stress level, low-pressure of work, and friendlier partner. For example, the study conducted by Surveyor Indonesia in 2010 revealed that 57% of workers choose to have a duty at a comfortable workplace with small salary rather than to work in corporation with satisfying salary but having a high pressure. Therefore, it is true that the worker priority to stay in same work routine is changing from money oriented to the atmosphere of working place.

It also cannot be denied many people recently choose to work based on their passionate hobby, such as art painter. They are doing their hobby not only for living but also for spreading their point of view. Research conducted in 2007 by Australia Social Researcher found as much as 23% of people choose to hang their life by doing their hobby for the entire life as the aim of their work is to spread the perspective they have rather than to gain much money. The people who choose their passionate hobby for living prefer to popularize their perspective than to get money.

To conclude, the high salary that people earn at work is no longer the absolute reason of why they are still working at the same workplace for years. It is very obvious that worker staying at the same routine as the environment of the workplace and the passionate hobby that they have as a duty.

Huynh Anh 4 / 6 2  
Oct 21, 2016   #2
passion they have are the reasons why the workers do so
friendlier FRIENDLY partner
but having a UNDER high pressure
art painters

I think your writing is pretty good so try to improve. Good luck!
Activelung 4 / 13 5  
Oct 21, 2016   #3
Hello kiki23! Here is my feedback as to your writing. Hopefully this will strengthen your paper later on.
I will leave some points at the very bottom of this message to which you can refer in the future writing sessions.

Green = My personal recommendation (optional)
Red = Things you need to fix.

Some (people/employees/individuals) ...
however this statement failed (has failed/fails )...
because comfortable working atmosphere and passion they have are the reasons why the workers do so...

It has become apparent in recent years ...
for getting(You can either take this out or replace it with "receive") the salary offered by the company but because...
This statement stands on the actual event that workers prefer to working at a conducive place with a minimum stress (...) friendlier partners ...
... that the worker's priority to stay in same work routine is changing from money oriented(the salary or money) to the atmosphere...

It also cannot (also) ... on their passionate hobbies , such as an art painter...
They are doing their hobbies not only for (...) their points of view...
Research conducted in 2007... hobbies ...
... their passionate hobbies for living prefer to popularizing their perspectivesthan to get money(to/over earning money) ...

To conclude (or In conclusion) ...
It is very obvious... the passionate hobbies ...

Some enhancements can be made by doing these following things below:
- Indefinite vs. Definite Articles. (To be honest, even I'm not good at this)
- Singular and plural nouns. This is a minor problem that can be solved easily if you are just more careful with nouns you use.
- "Prefer A to B". "Prefer ~ing A to ~ing B" or "Prefer ~ing A over ~ing B".
Technically, "People prefer to popularize perspectives" might make sense to some writers but possibly decrease readability.
So I believe it will be a wise practice to keep every verb within A and B in "~ing" forms.

Ex)
1. She prefers to play basketball "over/to" to play baseball.
2. She prefers playing basketball "over/to" playing baseball.
Even though I can hardly tell the difference between them, the second choice will be more useful to preserve readability.

Except these, your writing in general is very good and well-constructed. I hope this feedback will be helpful.


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