IELTS: Money for: successful sports professionals vs other important professions

Thank you for every comments
IELTS task 2:
Successful sports professionals can earn a great deal more money than people in other important professions. Some people think this is fully justified while others think it is unfair.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

As has been often reported, many eminent sportspersons are capable of acquiring huge amount of income. Such financial benefits have resulted in gap differences among professionals. This can then lead to controversial issue surrounding inequality. Although this seems to be problematic, there are more beneficial effects.

Not surprisingly, there has been recently heat debate related issue about high disproportionate of annual income, among high profile jobs. Andy Rodrick, for instance, who is the world's famous tennis player can afford on average millions dollar each year which is considerably more substantial than other jobs such as doctors or lawyers. It then comes to a question why there is such a large difference if our world based on the same fundamental doctrine of equality. In addition, other professionals are also essential in our running community.

On the other hand, sport plays a crucial role in many ways to keep inhabitants healthy. Sports professionals are also taken into that part.They are not only a positive incentive for their followers to do physical activities, but also entertaining their fans in game competitions. These are enough to be the main reason why they, particularly successful sports professional, can afford millions dollar a year. From my point of view, these careers have also helped decrease global health budget because whenever people have an increasing trend to participate in sports, they will end up with a good health which this means medical cost reduction.

Ultimately, extremely high compensation for successful sport careers is essential not only for being people's role models but also entertaining their fans in competitions. However, this seems to cause less significant problem in terms of salary inequality.

There are a bunch of grammatical mistakes with the essay, for example:


Look at this sentence, the word "Afford" isn't the proper word here. Rather you should be using "Earns" or some proper synonym. Ask a friend who's really good in English to help you out with the grammar.

Now, the essay is a bit weak content-wise as well. In the second paragraph you explain the salary discrepancies between sportsmen and people of other professions, and you do state (STATE, not explain) why the gap shouldn't exist. The big problem here is that a statement simply fails to get a good mark. You need to elaborate on it, develop it into a point. Your elaboration need not be absolutely correct, but it has to be a strong development that cannot be easily refuted. And the third paragraph is.... well just plain weak. You say that sportsmen encourage exercise and thus should be well-paid. Again, no development. Thirdly the point made at the last sentence seems very tenuous as you are talking about something that is a bit off topic and a point that has almost nothing to do with the essay.

- I would rather write " Although it may seem unfair, the current phenomenon is likely to have more beneficial than adverse effects."


- Sport professionals also take part in that. They are not only a positive incentive for their followers to do physical activities, but also an entertainment for their fans in game competitions.

The last sentence of conclution is not very clear, especially how it is related to the whole essay.
Besides, as shadman19922 said, you should replace the word "afford".

I hope I was useful.