Multiple short school-free days or one long vacation for children?

Writing IELTS task 2

more shorter or one longer - which vacations suit children better?

Some people believe school children should be given multiple short vacations, while other believe they should get one long vacation. Give the advantages of both and express your own point of view.

There is a debate with regards to vacation of children, whether to have multiple short school-free days or one long vacation. Short vacation can help children to rest and relax in between studying while a long vacation may help students to have a big break from school and go back with new perspectives and renewed desire to be in school again. In my opinion, I think short vacations for a few times are better for children because they have something to look forward to after studying hard and enough days to enjoy the outside world of school.

Some schools offer a long vacation only for one time. Others believe that this can help the students focus more on studying than taking a break. Children will be able to learn if they have longer days in school and their single vacation is their time for themselves to be free from staying in school on a longer basis. For instance, students who will be away from their classrooms will discover things that cannot be learned from school. With that, children can also gain knowledge thru experiences.

However, some people argue that multiple short breaks from school have more advantages. One of which is children will have something to be excited about when their class ends. When they have vacations for a few days, it can refreshen the children's minds from all the studying that they have done. A lot of schools give multiple vacations to their students because they want to give them a break from studying. As a result, students after their vacations have rested and ready for a new batch of learning.

Personally, I believe that being away from school in a short period but multiple times has more positive effects on children. They can gain knowledge in school and also out of it, that can mold them as a better person in the future. It can also help them to enjoy their youth and learn at the same time. I think getting few school-free short days will make the students appreciate their school time more because being away from it can make them miss their classmates, teachers or even school activities. As an example, I used to look forward to see my friends in school after taking a short vacation with my family because it made me want to share what I did to them, which helped me to gain interpersonal relationships with my classmates.

In conclusion, both practices can be beneficial to children. The outcome, whether they have shorter or longer vacations, is the same, students will be able to take a break from the hustle and bustle of school festivities.

I would like someone to grade this essay. To be honest, this topic was difficult for me, but since I know I can't pick my question to the actual ielts examination, I gave it a try.

This is my first post here, by the way.
I would also like to know if I approached the question right? Did I use the right format?
I know my essay is too long(especially the intro), i guess i got stuck on 'i should have 5 sentences in every body paragraph'.
I think I was redundant as well but I just couldn't think of any ideas when I made this essay, if possible, can you suggest what should I shorten or give more emphasis?

Correcting my grammar is highly appreciated too.
Thanks in advance.

Jea, in response to your approach question, the answer is no. You did not approach the essay in the right manner. Since this is not a direct question essay, you were not supposed to start the often partially presented discussion in the first paragraph. Rather, you were supposed to summarize the original prompt, presenting it in your own manner within the first paragraph, without discussing the topic at all. You must also never exaggerate your presentation. These topics are always presented as discussions, never as debates, arguments, or any other angry form of discourse. The proper term to use is always "discussion, belief, understanding" and other similar, placated discussion terminologies.

With regards to your actual paragraph presentations, you tended to run too long in your presentations alright. In this type of essay, you should aim to discuss the paragraph topic, that is one topic per paragraph, within 3-5 sentences. If you cannot do it in 5 sentences, but can do it in 3, then it is acceptable to the examiner. Now, your actual discussions, when not violating the presentation requirements, are actually sound and clear. Good work on the C&C section. Bad work on the concluding statement. This should have only summarized the previous discussion. Consider it the reverse of the opening statement:

Opening statement = prompt paraphrase
Closing statement = summary of discussion points from the body of paragraphs.

There were redundancies in your essay. Just remember to review your statements and delete any repetitions. Remember, 3 sentences will be sufficient enough for the examiner to gauge your work. Write 250 words exactly if need be. Offer more time to the finalizing of the content of your essay and proof reading instead of writing more words. The content and obvious ability to understand English instructions and express yourself clearly in English is more important in the scoring than the number of words that you are capable of writing.

Ahh, thank you very much for the review of my essay. I am slowly learning from my mistakes, nonetheless, grateful for the corrections. By the way, Will it be better if my introduction in this essay would be my conclusion?