Why do we need music? Is a country's traditional music more important than international music

Each individual has a different taste in music. That's why people create more types of music. Whilst there are some reasons that explain why people need music in their life, some people think that traditional music of a country is being replaced by international music that is picked by everyone.

There are several reasons that outline music plays an integral part in humans' life. To begin, music is such an effective way to release stress and relax in a hectic world today, especially for those who are overwhelmed with tasks and projects. For example, the majority of corporations adopt a "music mood" in the workplace, they turn on music at break time to boost the employees' spirit as they believe that it will help to put workers in a good mood, thereby increasing their productivity. Moreover, interacting with music can enhance one's language ability. Many non-native individuals improve their English level by listening to English songs. They can imitate singers' pronunciation and produce the same sounds as that in the songs. Particularly, in some special cases when they visit a funeral, they get to know more about vocabulary used in this specific context when they listen to shanties. This is definitely hard for them to ask other people for words to use in those situations in real life.

While the reasons for music have been discussed above, many believe traditional music tends to eclipse the importance of traditional music of a country due to the following reasons. Firstly, Some Asian conventional styles still keep outdated lyrics that are more sexual than accepted in a modern world where people classify music types for different people. To be more precise, students under 15 should be not allowed to listen to lyrics containing words such as fuck or bitch. Additionally, an international song can help spread the domestic cultural message of a country. For example, a Vietnamese song played in Japan can help Japanese citizens perceive the culture of Vietnam through the linguistic method, which may take a huge amount of time if we apply other methods such as newspapers or magazines. This is because people tend to listen to things with melody and rhythms instead of pushing their brain to concentrate and figure out the characteristics of a country.

In conclusion, humans create more and more types of music to fulfill their own needs and worldwide music is more necessary than a particular nation's traditional music.

Never open the prompt restatement with your personal opinion as that alters the focus of the original discussion. The personal opinion should be merged with your writer's opinion presentation instead. This should always be read by the examiner as a part of the thesis statement that helps to form the basis of your opinion as the writer.


The question you should respond to is whether traditional music is more important than international music. It is not about traditional music being replaced by international music.

Based on the errors in the first paragraph, I can already see that the essay will not reach a preliminary passing TA score. There are 2 big red flags that explain why this will happen. These are the reasons why I am not confident that this essay will receive passing score.

There are too many reasons presented in the discussion paragraphs, which do not properly related or transition effectively from one reason to the next. The connection in the transition is missing so the paragraph is difficult to follow and understand.

As for the concluding summary, the 2 sentence, 40 word requirement is not properly represented either. The concluding summary is severly lacking in terms of the reverse paraphrase requirement.

Hi I think that the sentence "Asian conventional styles still keep outdated lyrics that are more sexual than accepted in a modern world" is more supporting to the idea "Is a country's traditional music more important than international music" than your opinions in the essay.
"To be more precise, students under 15 should be not allowed to listen to lyrics containing words such as fuck or bitch". I think this sentence should be soften. For example, you can use "Some songs contain inappropriated lyrics which are unsuitable for student under 15."

With regards to GRA, I think you should double check your essay to ensure that you didn't make any mistake. The obvious one is "humans' life" -> "human life".
You can use a more formal expression like "preferred by the majority" instead of "picked by everyone"
The conclusion should be clarified more, because it's short and does not contain enough your ideas.

I hope this could help!

In the sentence 'Firstly, Some Asian conventional styles still keep outdated lyrics that are more sexual than accepted in a modern world,' the word 'Some' should not be capitalized. Additionally, consider rephrasing to 'that are considered outdated and overly sexual for today's standards.' This will improve clarity and flow.