IELTS Writing part 2 - Music
Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
Connecting people all over the world altogether is an irreversible trend of mankind civilization. There have been multiple methods invented to foster this process. Among them, music is an effective tool for making people coming from different cultures and ages understand more about each other.
Though music cannot coherently convey a story like language, composers can control the perception of the audience through the organization of notes in their pieces of music. People can easily distinguish musical emotions such as happiness, sadness, hopefulness, peacefulness,.etc. Therefore, music can raise common emotion, which helps to connect listeners altogether no matter their differences.
In addition to connecting people through emotion, music can also connect them by mitigating cultural peculiarity. Like language, music is a critical part of almost every culture and can be used for propagating features of the culture. But unlike language, music can be absorbed easier, thereby it helps people get acquainted with other cultures at ease. For instance, many people can easily learn English through singing English songs or singer groups nowadays contribute much in spreading the culture of their country to their foreign fans.
Music also helps to shorten the distance between generations. A lot of songs are written for a specific age, which seems to be a barrier but actually can be made use for making closer relationships. For example, a mom can play Baby Shark songs to make the baby happy or a man can sing some classical songs as a gift on the birthday of his grandmother. In such situations, songs become a special gift for exchanging between generations.
In conclusion, thanks to three features which are creating the same emotions among listeners, being easily absorbed, and being featured by culture and generation, music helps to create an environment having no barrier for people to understand more about each other.
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Connecting people all over the world altogether is an irreversible trend of mankind civilization.
I have no idea what you are trying to say in this sentence. It is illogical and lacking in a clear idea presentation.
Among them, music is an effective tool
You did not respond to the question provided. There is no thesis statement as required of this paragraph. No thesis statement = No writer's opinion. That paragraph is not well developed at all and will start you off with a failing preliminary score. You should try to do a better job on the restatement + writer's opinion paragraph next time.
This is a GRA error that shows a weakness in using English punctuation marks. You will receive demerits in that section of scoring as well. At this point, it is already safe to say that you will not pass the test.
I notice the use of academic vocabulary in the first 3 paragraphs. However, improvements still need to be made with word choices in the 4th paragraph such as "make closer relationships" (which should be replaced with "enhancing the intimacy of relationships"), or "sing some classical songs" (replace it with "performing a self-written piece to his grandmother").
Structurally it needs some clearance on your opinion in the first paragraph, your points wont be deducted for stating your own opinion as it is an opinion essay, with that being said, "I totally agree with.." should be added.
Coherence can be further improved with more transitions and conjunctions. You can try longer complex sentences to improve your band score.