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[IELTS WRITING TASK 2] - Music - opinion essay

chau_pham 2 / 2 2  
Nov 2, 2023   #1
Some argue that music mainly serves as a way for individuals to reduce their stress and anxiety.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It is undeniable that music can alleviate the emotional burdens of people, contributing to the nourishment of one's mental state. Although some people might argue that this is the predominant impact of music on modern day society, I kindly disagree with this statement as it appears that on a societal level, music also plays an indispensable role in forming niche and popular cultures.

There is no doubt that one of the most significant influences of music is on its therapeutic benefits through strengthening a person's mentality. Not only it evokes the hidden sentiments of oneself, it also provides an insightful and comprehensible representation of their emotional state. Both aspects are prominent to overcome one's stress and anxieties. For instance, clinical psychologists have been utilizing music as a treatment for people who suffer from traumas and mental disorders. However, this is only one of the effects music has on an individual level.

On the contrary, the societal impacts of music are more than often overlooked, as more importantly, music, or any forms of arts, is created to express one's perceptions on a matter, thus connecting them to those who share similar ideologies. The exchanges of personal stances and judgements through music is the foundation of diverse genres and subcultures, evolving and enumerating itself through a group of enjoyers, hence providing them with a sense of connection and belonging. The existence of music in the past also proves its significance in shaping past societies, leaving behind an abundant archive of various vibrant musical cultures for modern people to explore.

Given these points, it appears to me that the influences of music are way beyond an individual level, as its predominant societal impacts should also be taken into considerations when comparing and contrasting the significance of it in today's society.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 14,436 4691  
Nov 5, 2023   #2
While you did write a very flowery restatement, it missed the mark for most counts in relation to the ideas presented in the original presentation. One's mental state covers a diverse and expansive field of discussion. You should be more focused in the presentation to narrow it down and create a more related paraphrase. You should have just restated the relation of music to stress and anxiety. That way you would have remained on point instead of seeming like you are already presenting a full discussion of the topic. Now, with regards to your writer's opinion, you did not present it in the expected format. That is, you should have delivered a measured response composed of words like strongly (dis)agree, emphatically (dis)agree, partially (dis)agree, and other similar references.

Now, you discussed a comparative reference to conflicting opinions, which weakened your opinion as the writer. The writing instruction is quite clear. You should have defended your opinion using 2 reasons. Failure to do so means your non supporting paragraph will not receive a score.

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