Music cannot be prioritized by its importance - each genre has its own purpose

Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important?

There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the International music that is heard everywhere nowadays? Use your own ideas, knowledge and experience and support your arguments with examples and relevant evidence.

Today's world is flooded with numerous types of music. We need music because it helps us to relax, to express our emotions, to feel better after all. Furthermore, music literally may unify people, acting as a common language. One may assume that traditional music is more important than international music which is much more popular these days. However, in my opinion traditional music is as important as international, because while traditional music helps people with keeping their cultural identity international music is something that people may choose according to their personal preferences.

First of all, there are people who can do well without music in their life but they are in a minority. For the majority of people each part of their entity is saturated with music. They may have neither an ear for music, nor even ability to distinguish any musical instrument while listening to their favourite musical band; nonetheless, this fact has nothing to do with their ability to appreciate music. Music, like magic, may help people of different ages and cultures act as if they were best friends. This can be seen at some musical events such as rock concerts where people hold each other's hands and jump for joy.

There are still some people who think that traditional music is more important than international. They fear that traditional music may vanish soon or better to say, may be dissolved in the bottomless ocean of international music. However, like other attributes of cultural identity, traditional music will always be protected by minorities. For example, some popular string instruments, such as setar in Iran and balalaika in Russia, in spite of being unpopular nowadays, are being mastered by number of musicians in these countries. In most cases, people who play traditional instruments are not locked-up within their own culture respecting a wide-range of music genres.

To summarize, music is extremely important to almost all people around the globe. It affects people's mood and can unify young and old, poor and rich, bright and dull. Music also cannot be prioritized by its importance. Although some individuals may prefer traditional music over international, each genre has its own purpose; therefore any attempt to prioritize one over another would be incorrect.

Hi Danila, I can see the potential in your essay in terms of sentence structure and vocabulary, however, you are off the topic in my opinion. You misunderstood the prompt so you developed an opinionated essay rather than a direct question one. Take a look at this break-down below.

There are many different types of music ... <- statement.
Why do we need music? <- question one.
Is the traditional music of a country more ... <- question two.
Use your own ideas, knowledge and ... <- Instruction.

The instruction is applied to where you explain you reasons rather than the type of essay. Your mistake is you answered two of the questions right away without supporting paragraphs to back them up. The second paragraph was used to explain your argument became pointless at this point as your thesis statement was all about ones' cultural identity and personal preference instead of why do they need music.

To understand this, let's look at your topic sentence if that matches to the questions.
Q: Why do we need music?
A: there are people who can do well ...

While you delivered the right topic sentence in the third paragraph, the paragraph itself contained more than one idea which confused the reader by the end of its paragraph.

Topic sentence: .... some people who think that traditional music is more important...
Second sentence: They fear that traditional music may vanish.....
Last sentence:....people who play traditional instruments are not locked-up.....

It is always better to have no more than two ideas in a paragraph so that you can present a more clear reasoning to the examiner.

Hope that helps.

Daniella, although you were given a detailed review of your work above, the person who gave you the advice is not a contributor but also a student herself. Which is why the analysis done, though thorough, is not the correct review of your work. Let me offer you an alternative review of your work.

Your essay fails to address the task provided in several ways. The first way that you failed to address the task is because you did not properly summarize the original prompt. While you did give a direct response to the question, you failed to properly inform the reader about the task requirement. As such, it should have been done in the following manner:

The world is represented by several types of international music genres. People require music in their lives for several purposes such as relaxation and self - expression. The problem is that people tend to prioritize international music rather than the traditional music of their country these days. Based on my personal knowledge and experiences, I believe that traditional music should be given more attention in individual countries for a number of reasons.

Now, this is where the additional task accuracy mistake happened in your essay. You are being asked to focus the discussion on traditional music of a country. In this case, the country in question is none other than your country of Russia. There was no need to mention Iran and the Setar because this is a personal opinion essay whose supporting evidence is based upon your personal experience and knowledge of the issue. As such, the mention of Iran and the Setar is ill placed because you are not from Iran and therefore, do not have any actual reference points to help support that claim.

This is not a public opinion discussion essay. The essay clearly states: " Use your own ideas, knowledge and experience and support your arguments with examples and relevant evidence." Therefore, the public discussion is not required for this essay. Your personal opinion, knowledge, and experiences are what the reviewer is looking to read about as the question pertains to popular culture in your country of origin. The ideas should be based on your own thinking, not the public line of thinking. The knowledge should be based on your understanding of the question, the experience, should be your own in reference to the question. The keyword that tells you a public discussion cannot be used comes from the following phrase: Use your own...

It is because you did not follow the proper discussion instructions that this essay will not be able to receive a passing score in an actual setting.