There is a myriad of people who believe that physically harmful sports ought to be forbid - IELTS 2

DANGEROUS SPORTS SHOULD BE BANNED OR NOT?

Some people think that dangerous sports should be banned, while others think it should be free. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

My essay:
Nowadays, there is a myriad of people believe that physically harmful sports ought to be forbidden. However, some groups of people consider it is ordinary and should be continued displaying on many TV channels. This essay will discuss both notions and state my own position.

On the one hand, prohibiting devastating sports has few incredibly undisputable advantages. In fact, there are some sports really unsuitable for children like boxing and rugby to watch because of some bloody scenes. Secondly, a particular group of kids will imitate to play that high-risk sports while they are still young. For instance, everyone can search on the Internet and they will see a plethora of images about injured children playing extreme sports. As a result, if the government prevent these types of sports on time, they can constrain the many incidents, injuries or even deaths in the prospect. Thus, they can also avert children from

mental problems like furious, psychological disorders, etc.
On the other hand, I strongly believe that permitting extreme sports showing on TV shows and let people play in the real life has lots of amazingly undeniable benefits. First of all, people who are a big fan of watching dangerous sports will feel happy because they can now watch it. Secondly, some sports are not that hazardous like people think and can be played like skiing, skateboarding, dancing, or normal parkour if they have their professional P.E teacher. Hence, children can enjoy their passions and live willingly in their life. Moreover, while they are playing or practicing them, it could enhance their body health like endurance, muscles which mean they have enough energy or study at school and not being bored ( :) ).

To recapitulate, both viewpoints are all correct but in my personal thinking that the positive outcomes of dangerous sports outweigh the dark sides.

Thank for reading my essay and if u have any ideas about my mistakes or if this essay too long, don't be shy and tell me :D ( Have a nice day! )

Sup. Some mistakes:
uindisputable
groups

Also shun using "like" in the writing as it sounds informal. Using "such as" instead. I want to modify this sentence of yours: "it could enhance their body health..." to their physical condition can be enhanced, such as endurance and muscles, which help them stay spirit in school.

Overall, your flow of ideas is spot-on and well-orientated. Keep up with your good work.

Khoa. this is a 5 paragraph essay, you only wrote 4 paragraphs. You created a prompt deviation in the second paragraph, your line of reasoning is under developed due to your desire to discuss several topics per paragraph, all of which remain unclear in the discussion. Your point of view is good but should not represent the other POV as the instructions clearly indicate that you need to discuss both points of view and your opinion in the end. You are using memorized phrases like "on the one / other hand". These are the obvious mistakes in your essay that will immediately cause your scoring consideration to be lower than you hoped.

Your second paragraph discussion was almost acceptable, had you not included a prompt deviation in the discussion that states; "As a result, if the government prevent ... psychological disorders, etc." This is a final point of view opinion that is not required in the prompt. Do you see any discussion in the original topic that asks about a government intervention within the given topic? No. Therefore, you are not to discuss such things as these are considered irrelevant details that, when added to the other errors in your writing, will result in a lower than passing score.

Always remember to double check the instructions. When 2 POV's are required along with a personal opinion, that is automatically a 3 body paragraph presentation. One for each POV and then one for your personal opinion before the concluding summary. In this case, you only discussed one public POV and then a personal opinion, you are missing a second POV based on public opinion.

Please remember not to use special punctuations such as emiticons and the term "etc." these types of essays as these are not casual writing exercises but academic presentations being presented to an examiner. I am not sure why you used emiticons in this essay but that is an extremely bad habit to get used to doing as it shows a lack of regard for the reader.

Holt, thanks for your feedback, but I still do not understand such as why I have to write 5 paragraphs. Why I can not put my opinion into the fourth paragraph and also include the topic sentence, reasons,bla bla bla. I know this weird but I have seen many 9 band essay with 4 paragraph only. So that was all my question.

Thank you so much for your mind-blowing advice, I will try to take all your suggestions( especially the etc, you helped me alot :) ) to my essay!

Khoa, the Band 9 essays that you have seen on the internet are examples of work done by English native speakers. We are capable of writing in an advanced form of opinion essays that you, a non native English speaker will not be capable of at this time. That is why I am advising you to take the simple but safest road towards getting the highest possible score for your currently intermediate writing skills. I am only going to say this once. I am advising you based on a tried and tested system. The system that got me a band score of 9 when I first took the test. You see my writing style, it is a definite band 9 scoring essay. Your style is not yet up to that.

I am trying to guide you from the bottom up. Do not reach for the stars when you have just started to learn how to drive. Start simple, follow the simple rules and work your way up from there. You already know the explanation as to why I am advising you to write a 5 paragraph essay.

The prompt requirement is clear, this is a 5 paragraph essay covering one point of view per paragraph. The outline was fed to you by the original prompt itself. All you have to do is follow it. The clues to writing a high scoring essay is found in the prompt instruction line. Just follow it to maximize your scoring potential.

This essay is about clarity and cohesiveness, both of which will be missing if you insist on combining 2 topics in one paragraph when you do not have the ability to combine discussions properly with the use of transition phrases and connecting thoughts / words. Do not over estimate your writing abilities right now. You have a very long way to go before you can even come close to a band 8 essay writing style.

Ok I understand, I promise i will practice and start from the beginning to the top !