A new job; formal qualifications more important than life experience or personal qualities?

Hello, I'm preparing for my upcoming ielts exam which will take place in one month so I really appreciate your time spent reading and giving feedback to my essay. If possible, could you please give me a band score on my writing. My aim is band 7.0. Am i eligible for it?

Work topic [IELTS writing task 2]

Nowadays, some employers think that formal academic qualifications are more important than life experience or personal qualities when they look for new employees. Why is it the case? Is it a positive or negative development?

In this day and age, recognized qualifications take priority over first-hand experience and personal traits. This tendency, which is caused by a plethora of reasons, is totally negative.

The employers' preference for excellent academic credentials lies in their belief in the education system. This is due to the fact that academic institutions are deemed to be the most reliable place equipping students with in-depth knowledge about their field. After years of schooling, graduates could apply the knowledge acquired into the workplace. Moreover, degrees with honors are often tangible proof of the candidate's diligence and perseverance as it is a real effort to get these degrees.

From my perspective, the recruitment entirely based on postgraduate qualification causes a host of drawbacks. Firstly, universities merely offer theoretical lessons with little or no hands-on experience. Therefore, these students are inflexible and unable to handle with real life obstacles. As a result, the company will suffer since it has to spend a huge sum of money on training newcomers from scratch which can be saved if candidates with years of working are appointed. Secondly, personal virtues should also be considered as essential selection criteria when interviewing job seekers. Managing a group of disloyal and unreliable subordinates, for example, is a touch challenge for administrators.

In conclusion, I argue that apart from qualifications, other measures such as interpersonal skills and the manner at work are integral judgments for the employee-to-be's ability. Therefore, it is recommended that undergraduates should hone their prowess by participating in extra-curriculum activities.

(approximately 260w)
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Thanks so much!!!!

Unfortunately band scoring is no longer part of our free essay review. You may receive band scoring comments only if you avail of our private review services or, if you make this thread URGENT. Students who dare to score your essay will find their account suspended as student scoring is not allowed. That said, I will now continue with the general review of your work.

Okay, in the first paragraph, you opened with a memorized phrase. That means the examiner will not be impressed by your writing abilities. Your TA score will be affected by your lack of proper paraphrasing and the missing reasoning topics for the stance that you took. since you said this is a negative development, then give 2 reasons that you will be expanding on in the succeeding discussion. By doing that, you will clearly show the examiner that you understood the topic and the discussion / task instructions. Use at least 3 sentences, no more than 5 sentences in that section for maximum scoring consideration of your TA score.

You do not need to use an apostrophe after the S in employers because you are signifying the plural form of the word rather than ownership. Good explanation on why you believe the schooling matters to employers though. I would have liked to have seen an example to support your explanation in the end. Just to drive the point home and create a fully developed paragraph presentation.

You did not do a good job on the reasoning section though. You focused on properly developing the first reason, with room to spare, but then you failed to properly justify the second reason. Which led to an under developed discussion paragraph. Use only one topic in the paragraph unless otherwise specified. Use all of the sentence allowance to help strengthen you opinion in that section.

In the conclusion, do not argue. Nobody is fighting with you. Simply restate the discussion points from the previous paragraphs. All you have to do is sum up the discussion without offering a personal opinion since no personal opinion was required by the original prompt for the end presentation. That presentation is really more of a prompt deviation than anything else. It did not conclude the essay in the summarized manner that was expected.

...... first-hand experiences and personal traits. ... caused by a plethora of reasons just a suggestion that many examiners advice not to use word plethora,

.... is totally negative give a supporting statement to support your idea that why do u think its negative.

.......From my perspective u can use a linking word which shows that ur opinion is in contrast to the original statement,

...... the recruitment entirely...

... to handle with real life obstacles.

i dont think u gave adequate examples support your thesis

... qualifications, other measures such as (...) employee-to-be's ability. this is not clear.

Overall, in my opinion you wrote an impressive essay with good flow and coherence. Task response was not met because it lacks proper examples.
Also i think ur conclusion was weak as well.