Ielts writing task 2:
Although more and more people read news on the internet, newspapers will remain the most important source of news.
Do you agree or disagree?
There is the fact that, nowadays, many people choose to use the internet for reading news. While nobody can deny the important role of newspapers in providing information to the reader. Personally I agree with this view.
On the one hand, the development of the internet brings more convenience to people in updating news daily. Indeed, with just a wifi connected mobifone or laptop, people now can read news everywhere they want without having to bring newspapers. Moreover, for people who want to read news from more than one publisher, it may cost quite a amount of money if they read news from newspapers or magazines. Instead, using the internet, people can read as much as they want with no worry about how much it costs.
On the other hand, newspapers are still considered as a traditional way to get news. Firstly, before the increase of digital news, newspapers were the most ever-popular way for people to receive news through many decades. It gradually became a culture, especially for the old generation. For example, my mom still keeps her habit of buying newspapers weekly to read even though she can read it online. Secondly, there was a lot of research that showed the harmful effects of spending too much time watching on the laptop or on the small screen like mobifone. The popular issue that we can count on is short-sighted eyes and sore eyes. Therefore, reading in papers is encouraged for all readers to protect their eyes.
In conclusion, I would agree that despite the fact that reading news on the internet is being popular, there are a lot of people who prefer newspapers to get them daily news.
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While nobody can deny the important role of newspapers in providing information to the reader.
There are 2 possible reasons for this problematic sentence.
- The writer used a wrong sentence structure. Rather than using a continous sentence of 2 ideas seperated by a comma. A period was used instead.
- The writer wished to use a new sentence but accidentally forgot to provide a subject for the presentation. Hence the incomplete though process presentation.
The writer should have presented 2 supporting reasous in the explanation. Based on the 2 reasoning paragraphs format in relation to the provided opinion, no comparative discussion should be found. Therefore this essay will be judged as not having met the minimum word count and, will be scored only on opinion related discussion points.
It was just my personal preference, but I think "Personally I agree with this view." was not applicable in essay writing, especially "Personally". You can change this into "This essay supports this view" or "In my point of view, this view is agreeable. My essay will augment/further discuss it."
"The popular" issue should be replaced with "The common" issue. It's about word choice, I guess. Hope this helps you consider a little bit more ^^
There are some things I notice:
Moreover, for people who...
... it may cost quite AN amount of money if they choose newspapers or magazine to glean information...
I think you should use more synonyms and a variety of structures. You already use "read" or "want" many times.
Secondly, there was a lot of research that showed the harmful effects of spending too much time watching on the laptop or on the small screen like mobifone.
+ mobifone seems like a wrong spelling here
+ a lot of is informal phrase. Instead try using some, an amount of, a considerable amount of, plenty of for uncountable nouns.
+ "the" harmful effects seems incorrect. "THE" should be used for a definite noun. I meant when only you know about those effects, we shouldn't use "THE".
+ And why you decided to use "past tense" here?
I wish my suggestion would help. ^^