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"Nobody gave me a chance!


aysha 7 / 1  
Dec 19, 2006   #1
Topic: write a story which includes the sentence "Nobody gave me a chance!"

I had seen her for along time. There were dark smudges under her eyes and for the first time since I had known her she looked old. I was taken aback. She had changed so much that it was impossible to recognize her. I rubbed my eyes with my knuckles and saw her again. This was the not he friend which I used to know.

I asked her about what had happened to her in the last few years. She let out deep sigh. I could see tears almost welling up in her eyes but she was determined not to give it to the sobs that flared in her throat. She spoke her min d to me. She told me that she hated her mother for the injustice she had done to her. Although her mother was a very strict woman with a stern face she kept the hose in pink ok perfection but she never tried to understand her children. The same problem was aleena my best friend.

Her mother wanted aleena to marry as soon as possible so tat she gets riddance from her responsibility. She never thought what allena's will was and married her to a man who was her father's age. It was just because he was a very rich man and her mother thought that aleena would be rolling in money. Aleena did not like him either and had no intentions to marry him. She awaited her Akbar on her wedding day and had planned to run away with him but unfortunately her mother knew the plan. She called a question to aleena's character and made her forcibly marry that old man.aleena could not do anything and everything went according to her mother's wish. Now she has to lead a miserable life with her husband and is not at all happy with him. That was true for her because money cannot buy everything not even happiness.

I felt very sorry for and asked her that why she didn't open her mouth in protest at that time. She spoke under her breath, "No body gave me a chance!" She hugged me tightly and cried her heart out. A single tear emerged and from my eye and trickled down my cheek. My best friend was so distressed for many years and I never knew about it. I felt that I could hibernate from this world but what could I do? With my head in my hands I fell into deep thoughts.

EF_Team2 1 / 1,709  
Dec 19, 2006   #2
Greetings!

I'll be glad to help with proofreading your essay. Let's take a look:

"I had seen her for along time."

Do you mean that you had not seen your friend for a long time? (Notice that "a long" is two words.)

"This was the not he friend which I used to know."

You need a "t" in "the" (it was a typo, right?). :-)

"She let out deep sigh. I could see tears almost welling up in her eyes but she was determined not to give it to the sobs that flared in her throat. She spoke her min d to me."

Another couple of typos: insert "a" before "deep sigh" and take out the space in "mind." Also, you need a comma after "eyes."

"Although her mother was a very strict woman with a stern face she kept the hose in pink ok perfection but she never tried to understand her children."

I think you mean "house" rather than "hose" and "the pink of perfection" (that's a nice use of idiom, by the way). Insert a comma after perfection.

"The same problem was aleena my best friend."

Captitalize Aleena's name (this applies throughout the essay). I don't think the meaning is clear in this sentence. Maybe you could say, "She certainly didn't understand Aleena, my best friend" or something like that.

"Her mother wanted aleena to marry as soon as possible so tat she gets riddance from her responsibility."

Insert the "h" in "that." ". . . so that she would be rid of the responsibility of raising her daughter" would be a more idiomatic way of finishing the sentence.

"She never thought what allena's will was and married her to a man who was her father's age."

"Considered" might be a more exact word than "thought."

"Aleena did not like him either and had no intentions to marry him."

A more idiomatic phrase would be ". . . and had no intention of marrying him." I suggest deleting "either."

"She awaited her Akbar on her wedding day and had planned to run away with him but unfortunately her mother knew the plan."

Insert a comma before "but unfortunately." It would also be a good idea to introduce Akbar before this point; he appears rather suddenly. Could you perhaps say that Aleena was in love with him at a previous point in the story?

"She called a question to aleena's character and made her forcibly marry that old man."

"She called Aleena's character into question" is more idiomatically correct.

"That was true for her because money cannot buy everything not even happiness."

Insert a comma after "everything."

"She spoke under her breath, "No body gave me a chance!"

"Nobody" is one word.

"A single tear emerged and from my eye and trickled down my cheek."

Delete "and."

"I felt that I could hibernate from this world but what could I do?"

I think you meant "I felt that I had been hibernating while all this was going on, but what could I do now?"

"With my head in my hands I fell into deep thoughts."

"Thought" would be better than "thoughts" in this case. Also, you need a comma after "hands."

What a sad story! You told it very effectively, with a lot of emotion. It just needs a few minor changes to make it even better.

Good luck to you!

Sarah, EssayForum.com


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