The number of changes in the way people got to a city hospital from 2007 to 2010

CAMBRIDGE IELTS 13 TEST 1 WRITING TASK 1 - ROAD NETWORK

The two diagrams illustrate the number of changes in the way people got to a city hospital from 2007 to 2010.
Looking from an overall perspective, the three main differences in the road involved more new roundabouts, the divided car parks and a bus station.
Looking first of all at the two new roundabouts. From 2007 to 2010, the first one was constructed at the intersection of the Ring Road while the other one was located at the four - way junction of the city road and the hospital road.

Furthermore, the bus stops in 2007 were all removed to build a new bus station that linked up with two roundabouts at the western side of the hospital. In addition, there were a change in the car parks by the year 2010. A new car park was excusively built for the public at the eastern side of the hospital while the old one was for staffs - only.

Good work on the use of alternative keyword maps as indicated in the original diagram. The use of alternative words will result in a higher LR score as you show a definite understanding of various English words that could refer to the same meaning or, in this case, image. However, the image years do not indicate a continuous count from 2007 to 2010. The reference should have been in a comparative form for the 2 years instead as those are the focal points of the image comparison. Consecutive year comparisons are normally used when discussing or comparing graph images.

The creative use of comparison representation in the reporting paragraphs are well developed. However, the second paragraph could have used a liitle more comparison development to add to the context of the report. The analysis is rushed and should have been better presented. The last paragraph has a better analytical and comparative development.

Overall, this is an acceptable piece but the berevity of the presentation could prove to be a score breaker at only 156 words. You should try to develop more presentation sentences. The better scoring task 1 essays have at least 175 words, but no more than 200 in the report.

Firstly, I must say, good job on the usage of cohesion. I also really like the way you used comparison in the second line.

In it's contrast the second paragraph looks lacking, not in information, but rather presentation. It sounds a bit hurried too, making its interpretation a tad difficult (which is primarily what task 1 is for). I understand if you did this keeping the word limit in mind, but I implore you to look into better sentence presentation.