Unanswered [1] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 3

The number of men in senior development position in three companies (1980 to 2010)


maothuyan 1 / 1  
Oct 1, 2021   #1

IELTS WRITING TASK 1 (BAR CHART)


The bar chart illustrates the percentage participation of man in senior development position in three companies from 1980 to 2010.
Overall, all these companies showed a n upward trend throughout the period. The percentage of mean working in senior position had some fluctuations. The IBM initually had a lowest rate but at the end of the period it outraced the Microsoft and the Apple. At first, the rate of men participating in high position in the Apple company is the highest among the three companies, but it changed into the lowest rate at last.

From 1980 to 2010, the Microsoft's rate had slightly increase. It was about 9% in 1980 and it went uo approximately 1% next five years. Then, the rate rose to almost 12% in 1990. The figure shows a steady increase to the end of the period. It hit around 45% in 2010, being higher than that in 10 years ago about 27%. In general, the percentage participation of men in senior development position in Microsoft was often in the second.

The rate in IBM company at the beginning of the period was less than 5% and it creased about 1% next 5 years. In 1990, the rate reached around 12%, outraced the rate of Microsoft. From 1995 to 2010, there was a strong rise. The rate hit about 30% in 1995, 35% in 2000 and a high-point of 65% in 2010. The number of men participating in high position at the end of the period in IBM was the largest among the 3 companies.

The chart shows a gradual fluctuation in the percentage participation of men during the period. The rate in Apple was the highest from 1980 to 1990 (15%, 12% and 13% respectively). However from 1995 onwards, the Apple company no loger had the highest rate. The percentage reached around 18%, being less than that of IBM company approximately 10%. It rose about 2% in the next 5 years and 3% in 2010
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 12,304 3989  
Oct 2, 2021   #2
man

position

Word plural reference error.The image always refers to more than 1 in any instance. All task 1 references are plural in form so "men" not" man", "positions" never " position". Use the letter S within the reference word to signify the plural form.

initually

Sloppy spelling that shows poor vocabulary skills or lack of proofreading skills. The word is spelled as "initially".

outraced the

Refer to the speed of competition as pace so the word is "outpaced" without need to use the definite article "the".

had slightly increase

Had is the past refence to "have". So the word "increase" should have a D at the and to indicate the past event. Unless referring to a future projection, all references are in past form.
papcaii 4 / 7 1  
Oct 2, 2021   #3
"man" is a singular noun while "men" is a plural one so you use that word, you can try the word "males" .
went uo approximately 1% i think this should be "went up BY/TO
strong rise you use some adjective like "exponential","considerable" which may increase your LR score
finally, i think you should use more connective word in your essay in order to improve its coherance, for example, "followed by","and then","before","after",....


Home / Writing Feedback / The number of men in senior development position in three companies (1980 to 2010)