The number of people smoking, divided into two different gender groups

Someland's smokers

The graph provides information about the number of people smoking in Someland which is divided into two different gender groups. It can be seen that number of men smoking was always higher than that of the group of women.

As regard the first, it was about 600 men in every 1000 using tobacco in the beginning of the period. However, this data experienced an gradually decrease to 250000 in 2000.

For the first 25 years, the rate of women smoking had an steady increase from under 100 women per 1000 to slightly more than 300. After that, it remained this rate for 5 years and then, it started to gradually decline to 200 people in every 1000 in 2000.

In conlclusion, it is noticeable that more and more men in Someland decided to quit smoking. Meanwhile, the rate of smoking in women generally increased until 1977 and then fell for the rest of period.

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Ngo, the major flaws of this essay are your inability to write a good introduction and lack of detailed interpretation of the information in the graph. In the first instance, your paraphrase of the prompt is improper and you did not show a complete overview of the trend in the graph at a glance. You just did a superficial interpretation and left out some in-depth observations that would have avail more points of discussion to you. For instance, you were not able to notice that the number of women that smoked in Someland peaked in 1965 and 1975 at the rate of 190 and 320 people respectively. Also, you failed to make any comparison between the two slopes in the graph. From the chart, it can be deduced that the number of women that smoked increased steadily from 1960 to 1965 and 1970 to 1975 unlike their men counterpart that decreased continuously throughout the forty year period. Had you engaged detailed interpretation of the information as I just did, you would have developed a good essay with more number of words and complete paragraphs. Unfortunately, this version of essay will not earn you a desirable score due to lack of convincing interpretation of the chart provided. I must commend your level of vocabulary development and grammar construction. The fact that your draft is free of typos shows that you will surely improve significantly in your next practice if you give time to observing the trend in the chart rather than hasty but superficial interpretation.