'numerous plus points' - Undesirable consequences of an electronic media? (IELTS Task II)

The use of electronic media has a negative effect on personal relationships between people.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Since the invention of modern technology, people start to behave differently with their peers. It is sometimes argued that the intervention of electronic devices is harmful for their mutual lives. In my opinion, I believe that its interposition has a valuable aspect for people's connection in general.

To begin, people, who argue that the modern media such as computer and mobile phone has a negative effect, may claim that they tend to become selfish beings. In the past, people valued the intimacy of relationship by time spending together with their friends for example. Today, however, modern media rob people's gathering time more than any invention that ever exists before. As a result, modern people may feel lonely and miserable because no strong relationship has ever built.

Although the change, which is produced by the electronic tools, seems disadvantageous, I think that it has positive qualities that people has to consider. First, electronic media creates a possibility of long distance relationship. In the past, it might be impossible to stay connected with friends and families in different continent, but today using video chat such Skype is undoubtedly realistic to meet in screens everyday. Moreover, people can also find a group of people with the same interest and bond a new relationship. This type of relationship which involving the same hobbies will make relationship priceless and last longer.

The aforementioned argument reveals that even though the electronic media may cause undesirable consequence, I believe that it has numerous plus points in most aspect in today's form of relationship.

Let me try :
Actually, this is well-written

The first paragraph,.
If you mean since=because, it should be --> since + SV (avoid FANBOYS to be begin a sentence)
if you mean since=because of, it should be --> because + n (you can use - due to/ owing to/ thanks to)

-Yusuf

Your thesis statement:

In my opinion, I believe that its interposition has a valuable aspect for people's connection in general.

Your body paragraphs:
1.

To begin, people ... has a negative effect , may claim that they tend to become selfish beings.

2.

Although the change ... , I think that it has positive qualities that people has to consider.

Your conclusion:

... even though the electronic media may cause undesirable consequence , I believe that it has numerous plus points ...

Your essay is fairly clear; however, your thesis statement seems inconsistent as I pointed out above. First, you say 'disagree' meaning that both your body para should discuss about 'positive effects'. Unfortunately, you do not write it successfully since your body paragraphs show 'negative effects' (body 1) and 'positive effects' (body 2). A similar inconsistent is also found in your conclusion. Remember that everything in your essay should support your thesis . What you need here is therefore revise your thesis so that it is consistent with the body and conclusion, and so that it will guide your readers rather than confuse them.

Here is my editing to make it becomes consistent:
There has been a shift in the way people communicate since the invention of electronic media. Most of them tend to prefer mediated communication rather than face-to-face interaction. Although it is true that media electronic causes problems on people's relationships, I am basically convinced it has more positive aspects in people's communication styles.

Hope this helps ~ Shinta

- There seems to be a very good intro. All you have to do is create no more than ten phrases as opening sentence. The main objective of this approach is to keep your message succinct. Here is the example: Cutting-edge technology could negatively shape people's behaviour.

- The topic sentence in the second paragraph is well-done. Yet, I think it is too long. You'd better break this into two sentences, so as to bring clarity in the flow of the sentence. Here is the example; It is true that electronic media, such as computer and mobile phone bring dire effects. This is because the users are motivated by self-interest, as their acts attract a lot of media attention.

- As seen, it is always good to shorten your topic sentences. This phrase: "Although the change, which is produced by the electronic tools, seems disadvantageous" should be kept succinct and to the point.

- The conclusion seems repetitive. If you peruse the IELTS band descriptor more closely, then you can see that an essay with some repetition hovers at a score of 6.0 in TR.