Please give me some suggestion and score for this writing. Thanks in advance
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Obesity is now a major global epidemic. What can be done to tackle this increasingly common problem?
One of big worldwide problems is overweight. This epidemic should be tackled through applying health diet and doing exercise regularly.
Nowadays, obesity becomes a common problem experiencing by many people because of some reasons. Firstly, based on medical research in America, consuming unhealthy diet every day causes overweight in many Americans especially for young people in 2010. Fast food and coke drink can be the example of unhealthy diet they consumed. Even for the time being, many companies warn obesity to the people through coke bottle in America. Another reason why many people are overweight is because they do not have enough time to do exercise. Hectic days make many people only focus on their business without thinking about the importance of eating even exercising. Take a clear example in bankers' life. They spend time from morning until afternoon even sometimes late night for doing their assignment in the workdays. On the weekend, they must be tired and taking a rest all the day or staying at home only with their family. Consequently, they only have limited time in a week to join in some sorts of exercise activity. Therefore, unhealthy food and limited time of exercising are become the causes of this problem.
Furthermore, this problem can cause some detrimental effects, such as bullying and getting illness. Firstly, many young people are bullied by their friends at school since they have overweight bodies. As a result, their self-confident decrease dramatically. The next one is getting disease in terms of diabetes and heart attack. This health problem will limit their activities even the worst condition can be produced is death for the sufferers. In order to cope with obesity, those should change their life style starting from eating healthy diet and doing exercise regularly. Regulating food consumption is needed because body really needs protein, carbohydrate, vitamin, and water obtained by eating healthy food. Unfortunately, eating healthy diet is not complete without exercise. They should take time for doing it every day.
In brief, the big global problem in terms of obesity can be solved by applying healthy life style. The healthy life style can be showed in consuming healthy diet and conducting exercise frequently.
Hi Tria, it is always nice to read your writing. There is minor error in grammatical, however please allow me to give you some suggestions:
In your introduction, you can add the thesis starter sentence to your thesis statement. Moreover, as far as I know, the meaning of obesity and overweight is slightly different.
Even for the time being, many companies warn obesity to the people through coke bottle in America. -> You have stated a scientific fact as your explanation, so there is no need to add another example. It is better if you give more explanation to your scientific fact.
Another reason why many peoplethey are overweight is because they do not have enough time to do exercise (Avoid redundancy)
Take a clear example in bankers' life,t hey spend
Your task asks you to give measures for the issue. But, there is no paragraph that contains this main idea. The main idea in your second paragraph is the causes, and the third tells the effect. You just state your measure slightly in the third paragraph. It is better if your elaborate it since it is the main task of your essay.
I hope mu advises will be useful for your further writing. Keep writing.. :)
