children obesity rate is increasing
Many children in industrialised nations are gaining weight. In this modern era, Obesity is a serious concern for these nations. In this essay, I will discuss ins and outs, its effects along with the some similar cases, which I observed and gained through my experience.
In modern world, First of all children's lifestyle are changing drastically, many inventions in the technology and scientific world has brought much comfort in their daily life style. Food industry is not behind in such inventions; many food industries are come with the processed food such as in dairy product cheese, processed sauces, meat. On the other hand, Parents are too busy in working and not getting sufficient time for cooking. They feels it easy to buy these processed and easy to cook meal, which saves their time and energy to cook the fresh meal. Due to these children are getting habituated for eating this food which is getting adverse impact to their health in gaining weight.
Secondly, Due to inventions in the computer and electronics gadget such as smart mobile phone, Xbox and Sony PS4, They are engaging themselves in these electronic worlds due to which children's habits are changing they don't feel to go for outdoor activities and play. By seating at place and eating the processed food are causes for increasing obesity. I would like to add one of my experience, After shifting to Canada I have found in neighbor there is family who are having 2 daughters. I have seen them many times eating processed food, such as ready to cook curry vegetable or beans and bread. They said it is quite convenient to cook and saves their much time.
Since, there is no physical activities and unhealthy eating life style, children obesity rate is increasing which will leads to many concerns for healthy nation and countries economic growth.
The structure and formatting of your sentences are off at times. I recommend that you try to be more concise with your words.
Remember that you are not supposed to capitalize nouns. Capitalization is reserved for pronouns, acronyms, etc. For instance, you do not need to capitalize obseity and the word due. But you were on point with capitalizing Canada. Knowing these delineations is vital when you are writing academic essays.
I have also noticed that you have a tendency to use sentences that are quite complex. While these are acceptable, I recommend that you try to utilize simpler terms to have more a firm, substantiated format than relying simply on complexity to have leverage.
Let's apply a couple of these recommendations.
In your first paragraph:
Children in industrialized nations are gaining weight. Obesity is turning into a vital concern. This essay is an in-depth discussion of the issue, capped with my personal observation.
Technological and scientific innovations has brought a lax lifestyle that has changed drastically children's lifestyles. In addition, the food industry is swarmed with processed foods from meats to sauces. Parents' exhaustive lifestyle has made it difficult to find time to cook fresh meals; it has become easier to quickly buy in stores than to spend time cooking. Children have become numb to the food, causing adverse health effects.
In terms of content, while I appreciate the effort of inserting your own experience, I do think that the insertion of this into the text is quite off the track. I would recommend that you try to use more substantial and heavy weight examples such as mentioning an instance in your life wherein someone was burdened with obseity because they were focused on their work. Discussing these more in-depth examples would give you more leverage.
I would also recommend that you change your concluding remarks to something similar to:
The lack of physical activities accompanied with unhealthy eating habits has led to long-term concerns for the nation. Because the labor force thrives on productivity, ensuring that the people are able to maximize and function effectively is pivotal.
Best of luck.
