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IELTS task 2 : Olympic Games not playing a role in 21st century?

Iceecreami 1 / 1  
Jul 26, 2012   #1
Hi , I am preparing myself for IELTS which is in 2 weeks time . Below is my essay and hope you could give feed back and what band the essay would be in . Thanks a lot in advance :)

Question : Some people think that the Olympic Games will not play a role in 21st century . TO what extend do you agree or disagree? 200-250 words

Since ancient times , the Olympic Games has been considered as an sport event for entertainment purposes. It has always been a legend , being passed on until today. Now, the Olympic Games is held every four years in different honoured countries , which are being selected as its hosts. I am in consummate discord with the above statement , for the Olympic Games is still obviously a much anticipated event throughout the world , which symbolizes integrity , sportsmanship and hard word.

In fact , the Olympic Games had brought athletes from different countries together and compete pacifically . For instance ,Palestine and Iraq was able to put down their personal conflicts and participated in the games . Not only that , the Olympic games had also helped its host in areas such a economy and fame. Being the host of the Games means that many jobs can be created for the citizens in construction and hospitality field . Furthermore , the game will also be followed closely over the world , and so its hosts.

However , there might be certain athletes who would take the Olympic Games too seriously , and showing much patriotism during the game . This can cause annoyance , misunderstanding and possibly conflicts between the countries , as it blatantly betrays the theme of sportsmanship and the idea of coming together as one .

In nutshell , I believe that the Olympic Games definitely plays more roles in the society today compared to the past. It now has a much greater impact on the world , than being just a form of entertainment alone.

April April 13 / 148 22  
Jul 26, 2012   #2
considered as an sport event => CONSIDERED A sport event
with the above statement => what statement?

Your intro needs to be more concise. You should leave out the 2nd and the 3rd sentences, they are unnecessary and will take away the time you should be spending on the body paragraphs.

For the intro: Give a motivator (which is your first sentence, and it was good), paraphrase the topic (you didn't do this), and state your opinion (you did this well).

Good luck with the exam!
ah_zafari [Contributor] 40 / 672 148  
Jul 27, 2012   #3
I followed your corrections and found that you r an expert.

It is very kind of you, but I'm not an expert. I am a student just like you.

I wrote many essays but I don't know haw can I improve them

The best way for improving in writing is "Reading". Try to read various texts with a variety of subjects. In this way, not only u can expand your information about diverse topics, but also it improves the grammar and vocabulary. Focus on the structures and the words used throughout the texts. In fact, reading and writing are linked.

I recommend you to read the books entitled :"focus on vocabulary" and "for and against". Another useful book which can makes you familiar with the structures of essays is "The practical writer with reading". These books are really helpful ones.
OP Iceecreami 1 / 1  
Jul 29, 2012   #4
Thanks alot for the advice ^.^ it was really helpful

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