Unanswered [4] | Urgent [0]

Home / Writing Feedback % width Posts: 3

IELTS WRITING TASK 2 :People in the 21st century have better quality of lives (agree or not)

huyhoangnk01 2 / 5 1  
Sep 13, 2020   #1
People living in the 21st century generally have better quality of lives than people born in earlier centuries.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It is believed that the quality of life in today's world has improved a lot since the previous centuries. Personally, I totally agree with this point of view.

On the one hand, as the growth of modern medicine, we could have a longer and healthier life, and the average life expectancy has increased tremendously as proof. A few decades ago, humankind usually had a higher risk of getting serious illnesses and health issues. Community health care in recent years, however, has significantly improved and has also been capable to raise people's awareness of the importance of health protection. Besides, it is delighted to know that people nowadays can quickly get access to advanced medical treatments because of the well-planned investment by the government. This, in my opinion, beneficially affects the living standard of people in society. My cousin, for example, had a damaged liver after an accident, but thanks to the developments in the medical field, the doctors successfully transplanted a healthy liver and gave her a new life.

At the same time, I also think that education plays an essential role in leveling up people's living conditions. You have to understand that the more people have the opportunity to study, the more society develops. Because instead of being a burden to the community, with knowledge, people can contribute to it by building businesses that create jobs for many unemployed workers, or forming relationships with foreign companies to promote the economic potential. Therefore, many governments in the world spend billions of dollars to encourage intelligent students and focus on elevating the teaching system to meet the increasing learning needs of today's students. For instance, in Vietnam, you will probably obtain a scholarship to study abroad, if you win the first prize in the national Math competition.

In conclusion, it seems to me that the standard of living in the modern world has developed in a beneficial way.

DiepVu99 9 / 21 9  
Sep 14, 2020   #2
Hi, I believe that you spent time investing into your essay, I would like to give you some comments.
The first things I see is that the way you use adverbial phrases as On the one hand, at the same time. I disagree with this way because when use On the one hand, it means that the next time you would mention something opposite. I also don't recommend to use "At the same time" like that. This seems to be extremely forced.

Secondly, the tone of your essay is a problem. You should analyse ideas in an objective position, don't only mention your opinion that would not convince examiners. Avoiding using "you", "I think" while you analyse.

Finally, I suggest you put a sentence to conclude your examples, which will make them more persuaded.
I hope you will enhance your essay next time. Try the best!
OP huyhoangnk01 2 / 5 1  
Sep 14, 2020   #3
Thank you for your comments <3
I am totally agree with the idea that I lack of evidence to persuade the examiners and using too much you and I think to analyse.

I really wonder that instead of using On the one hand or At the same time, what phrases I should use in this kind of essay (the totally agree).?

If you are available, I would hope to listen to your amazing ideas.
Thanks a lot, I appreciate all of your efforts <3

Home / Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2 :People in the 21st century have better quality of lives (agree or not)