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'one year break can be long for young people' - encouraged to work or travel


sheyh 1 / -  
May 13, 2012   #1
Please check my IELTS essay and give some advises.

In some countries young people are encouraged to work or travel dor a year between finishing high school and starting university studies.

Taking a gap year off between high school and university has become a popular option among many young people. This time provides a break after many years of formal study. Some people prefer to travel around the world and others would rather work during the a year.

Benifits of gap year are plentiful. On a personal level, traveling around the world assists to improve and extend outlook about life, culture and tradition. Also traveling alone develops an independency and self-counsiciousness. Moreover traveling might influence affectively young people to realize the history by visiting museums and historical places and buildings. In addition, working in the early life helps to progress experience and also, it can be lesson for youngsters how the life might be difficult in the future if people do not have a job and are not educated.

There are also plenty of disadvantages of having annual holiday. One year is a long time that being far from the education. Obviously, during the year the peole can loose the eduactional ability and resourses. On the one hand, working and earning money can be benificial for personal spending and family, on the other hand some people would not attempt to study a higher education, they can continue working and earn money eventhough earning low salaries.

To sum up, one year break can be long for young people. From my point of view, it would influence to youngers adversely and their future if they choose working and traveling instead of studying.

ah_zafari [Contributor] 40 / 672 148  
Jun 12, 2012   #2
Taking a gap year off between high school and university has become a popular option among many young people. This time provides a break after many years of formal study. Some people prefer to travel around the world and others would rather work during the a yea

In an introduction u should mention that the essay is going to talk about what. U should add a sentence to show the essay is about the advantages and disadvantages of the issue.

n addition, working in the early life

There is no coherency between this sentence and previous ones. Before this u were talking about the advantages of traveling, u should add a sentence to connect "traveling" to "working". For example, :"Working is another choice that many young people try to experience it before studying a subject at a university." Then talk about the advantages of working. )

plenty

do not repeat this word.

From my point of view, it would influence to youngers adversely and their future if they choose working and traveling instead of studying.

Why? you should support your opinion.

Regards
Ahmad


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