My opinion about education development

Is education necessary?

Do human beings need education for life or just use it as a tool to get a good job to survive? Education's not just about the tools that help people get a good job, it also plays an extraordinary role in the development of every aspect of life, relates to any dimension of the world such as economy, social development, policies....Education is a fundamental right, everyone should have the same opportunity to have a comprehensive education.

Education development consolidates the infrastructure in education in all areas of each country. Giving the chance for every child from everywhere to enroll in special courses such as art, music, sport... is to develop their enthusiasm and potential talent.

Education development needs to come along with approaching orientation of career, helps students to have a clear awareness of the future career and have their right to decide what they want to do, who they want to be.

Nowadays, the student in a remote area and low-income students are still lacking the opportunity to access equal education resources to develop their talent and enthusiasm, especially art, music, sport, orientation classes, so education development should have its emphasis on these course.

Somehow your opinion paper feels too short and uninformative. You wrote only 195 words when the standard academic writing minimum for an opinion essay is 250 words. I guess that is why the essay feels like it was rushed. You don't really expand on your topic presentations in the paragraphs. You just keep mentioning them without really making a solid, valid, and acceptable point. When you write an opinion essay, each paragraph needs to start with a topic sentence. After the topic sentence, you, as the writer, needs to work on reiterating the point you mentioned through expanded explanations, using valid examples, and properly referenced supporting discussions. Whenever applicable, a connecting transition sentence to help connect the current discussion with the next paragraph topic must be used.

You are also limited in your punctuation mark usage. You are using only 3 in this essay: the comma, period, and ellipses. Try to avoid using ellipses in academic writing. Those are usually reserved for speeches, creative writing, and informal writing. Try to use a variety like colons, semi-colons, and hyphens to name but a few that can help you develop better sentence presentations. Proper punctuation usage will also help you create more complex sentences in the future.

By the way, about your spelling in this essay. You spelled the word "enroll" using the American English reference. I believe you are practicing for the IELTS test so you need to learn the spelling differences between American and UK English. In UK English, the word is spelled "enrol", with a single L. Use more descriptive adjectives. When you say "... get a good job", the sentence comes across as flat and one dimensional. It is not interesting. However, if you said "... an excellent job..." then the sentence would have come to life because of the exciting description being used in the sentence.

@Julie Tran
If you are writing an IELTS essay, you won't meet requirements about the number of words so you have to get a bad point definitely. In order to make this longer, you should explain your ideas clearly and give an example for each.