The opinion that teamwork spirit can be honed through team sports

The best way to teach children to cooperate is through team sports at school.

Agree or Disagree?

Being one of the major core skills in today's era of integration, cooperation has recently been brought into education. While advocates of team sports are of the opinion that these activities provide the best opportunities for students to practice cooperation, I believe that playing music in an ensemble could create such same effect.

Admittedly, cooperative physical activities could foster a sense of teamwork by acknowledging the members' abilities. When working in tandem with each other, each member of a team could gradually recognise the strengths and weaknesses of their teammates. From that, they will devise the best strategies that could cover their weak points while maximising their strengths. Football emerges as a typical case for this collective spirit, as the compatibility of the members is the result of experimental matches.

At the same time, I propose that a music ensemble is also capable of instilling in students a sense of unity. In order to interpret a score, each player in the ensemble has to be highly aware of how to deliver their interpretation in harmony with other players so as not to ruin the score. For example, if one student misses the tempo, the whole ensemble will have to stop. This delicate adjustment requires each player to look out for their partners, thus further strengthening the bond within the group.

All in all, while I concur with the opinion that teamwork spirit can be honed through team sports, I also consider a music ensemble to be a strong way to help bring members closer.

(Thank you for your comment!)

The actual discussion of the topic should not be done in the first paragraph as you did here. Any personal opinions and insights should only be presented in this paragraph as a part of the writer's opinion thesis. This should have been a 2 sentence presentation that focused only on an accurate prompt restatement and your opinion. Since you decided to include a personal insight into the restatement, the examiner will not be able to award full points for this representation. The inclusion of your opinion in the topic presentation changed the discussion basis. Points need to be deducted for that. Additionally, you only provided a thesis statement, but failed to provide a direct opinion using the response keyword as provided. Further deductions will be applied to the preliminary TA score. The writer's direct response to the question should always be provided twice. Once in the restatement and again in the concluding summary. It cannot be stated in the concluding summary alone as that will provide an open ended essay rather than a concluded discussion presentation.

The discussion paragraphs are acceptable and aligned with the discussion topic. The given reasoning and explanations are sound and quite believable. I would have liked to have seen a more cohesive discussion though that compared the sports and orhestra requirements over 2 related paragraphs. That would have shown the strength and acceptability of your discussion. The similarities need to be highlighted in this sort of discussion. How the expectations are the same, even though the implementation is different. These are necessary to achieve a well scoring C+C section. Good job just the same. Beware of your punctuation usage in certain sentences. An apostrophe is not always necessary when indicating the plural form of a word. Know when to use it in proprietarial or plural form. Wrong usage will reduce the GRA score.

As for the concluding sentence, it is a run-on presentation that has reduced clarity and cohesiveness. You will never go wrong when you opt to use more sentences, representing individual ideas or statements in a paragraph. That is the correct basis for a sentence. A long sentence does not necessarily translate into a simple, complex, or compound sentence. That is why the concluding paragraph format requires at least 2 sentences composed of 40 words or more to complete the paragraph presentation.