Opportunity to observe his motivation, personality and work ethic. LoR on behalf of Supervisor.

Hello Reviewers, I want a LOR from my previous supervisor under whom I have done my one-year internship. As he was very busy these days, he asked me to prepare an initial draft and mail him a copy of this draft. Actually, I want a very formal & official tone in LOR and prepared some starting paragraphs. Please suggest me which is better and I know there are some corrections (in an overall sense, punctuations, etc., etc.), please correct them also. Consider this as a request from me.

LoR on behalf of Supervisor

I am writing this reference at the request of Mr. XXX, who is applying for the YYY Program. I have known Mr. XXX for the past one and half year in my capacity as the Director at Technical Division of ZZZ Organisation. He has worked under my direct supervision as an Intern for one year and I therefore had ample opportunity to observe his motivation, personality and work ethic.

OR

I am writing this reference at the request of Mr. XXX, who is applying for the YYY Program. I have known Mr. XXX for the past one and half year in my capacity as the Director at Technical Division of ZZZ Organisation. As Mr. XXX's sole direct supervisor during his one-year internship at ZZZ Organisation, I had ample opportunity to observe his motivation, personality and work ethic.

There is very little difference in the tone of both opening paragraphs. These are actually more like clones of one another. Both carry a formal tone and almost cut and paste wording. One may opt to use one or the other with no marked difference nor content or tone considerations. It is merely the opening statement anyway so one need not put too much effort into it The actual review paragraphs are what truly matters. The only information that should be added is the name of the referee.

Sadly the editing work you are requesting for do not come with the free review. You have to contact me privately for professional editing services. My contact details are listed below.