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IELTS Writing Task 2: Origins of increasing crime rates and proposed solution

lovedionise 1 / -  
Mar 19, 2023   #1

Crime appears to be rising in most countries in the world, especially among young people.

Identify the possible causes of this trend, and propose some solutions you think would be effective.

It appears that the number of offences committed, especially among youngsters, is on the rise on most parts of the world. The roots of this seem to stem from three factors, while there are several answers to this problem.

Firstly, the increasing urbanization of many territories tends to engage people in a struggle for survival as the exacerbated competition may well cause some people to go to great lengths to get by, even by unethical means. Secondly, many entertainment products that contain violence like video games and films are having an progressively adverse effects on consumers, especially children who themselves are not able to distinguish between the good and bad. This, in turn, leads to the imitation of various acts that is considered offences. A further reason perhaps lies on the lack of supervision and discipline on them as many parents nowadays are busy making end meets that their child may come a poor second. Therefore, there are no one to punish them or guide them, making them more likely to be a criminal.

Turning to possible solutions, perhaps the most important one is to ensure good and thorough education and discipline is delivered to every child. If we did this amply, the rates of unemployment would be low and people would not have to commit crimes to survive. Moreover, this would make children be able to distinguish between good and bad acts. Secondly, parents should give more time to children by supervising them and their use of game or film products that include violence, and perhaps guide them to be a good citizen.

All in all, many origins of increasing crime rates in the world can be attributed to urbanization, lack of supervision on children. Possible remedies coming from both the government part and the families can ameliorate it.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 14,830 4781  
Mar 20, 2023   #2
The writer's opinion fails to represent the discussion requirement which is to state the summary of the possible causes and the related solutions in the formation of the opinion / thesis statement. In this case, an opinion is formulated not based on an agree or disagree question, but upon a believable discussion premise based on the target discussion areas as provided. So the prompt restatement will receive a scoring consideration, but will not be given full marks due to the improper thesis statement.

The solutions provided do not relate to the given causes. Therefore, there is a disconnection between the discussions that affect the overall cohesiveness of the presentation. For a cause - solution essay, a comprehensive discussion is provided when the writer uses the following format:

Sentence 1: Cause
Sentence 2: Explanation of the cause
Sentence 3: Solution to the cause
Sentence 4: Explanation for the basis of the solution / reason the solution work in relation to the cause.
Sentence 5: Example of an effective solution application

You must never think of the causes and solutions as separate discussion points. These must always relate to one another due to the writing expectations of the examiner. The discussion must be cohesive at all times when addressing the task. Only by partnering the discussion points properly can you meet probable high scores for the major scoring sections.

Each task must only have 2 reasons provided for each discussion to avoid incomplete discussions and representations, which is a major problem in this presentation since you separate the cause and solution discussion. Everything that was written has incomplete thought representations, making it difficult to offer higher than average scores for the minor scoring considerations.

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