The outcome in five countries including UK, USA, Canada, and Japan based on five categories in 2009

A breakdown of figure for outcome in five countries including UK, USA, Canada, and Japan based on five categories in 2009 is provided by bar graph. Overall, it can be seen that the highest proportion of spending money in all these countries was for housing. In contrast, the figure for health care and clothing demonstrated both of lower proportion than others.

First of all, expenditure of food showed that the United States spent less money for it than Canada while Japan experienced the highest proportion for it. Meanwhile, out coming for housing in US demonstrated the highest proportion about just over 25%, and other countries illustrated the percentage for it no more than a quarter. Furthermore, spending money for transportation showed quite big different of the percentage and all of these countries experienced no more than 20%.

On the other hand, out coming for health care in the United Kingdom showed the lowest proportion and the United States demonstrated the highest proportion. Meanwhile, both of Canada and Japan illustrated quite the same proportion in that case. On one hand, figure for clothing experienced slight different proportion for all these countries about no more than 6%.

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Pramudiana, false fact/data is not suggested to be appeared in the essay. It might look simple, but when you mention "five countries" and the real data is "four countries", it is also considered as a mistake. The worst thing is that you did make a mistake since the very first sentence of your essay. Thus, I hope you can become more careful in the next practice.

There are lots of cohesive devices but why did you choose "first of all" to open the first body paragraph? I am not really sure that the usage of "first of all" will be appropriate for writing task 1, but I have never seen any sample answers using that phrase to begin the paragraph. Instead, I have seen some sample answers use that phrase/cohesive device in Task 2 not Task 1. Try to come up with something that is acceptable for writing task 1 such as, "To begin with", "Initially", and many more. In your last paragraph, I think it might be better if you write it in the opposite way. As far as I know, "on one hand" should come before "on the other hand". In your writing, you accidentally switched them.

Hope this helps :)

Hi Pram, let me give some comments on your essay

1. .. the figure for both health care and clothing demonstrated both of lower proportion than others.
Both should be followed by and, so you need move the position of 'both'

2. First of all, expenditure of food showed that the United ...
It is better for you to mention the percentage of each category.

3. Meanwhile, out coming for housing in US ...
You can use 'money spent' to paraphrase 'expenditures'

Thank you
Keep writing