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IELTS; Paid work for children is good or bad? Discuss


piggiepolly 2 / 2 2  
Jul 2, 2013   #1
Please check and give a band score. Thanks !

In many countries children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it as valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibility.

What are your opinion on this ?

Whether or not children should do some type of paid work is still controversial. On the one hand, some people argue that it is not right. On the other hand, many educational experts believe that children could gain valuable work experience, learn many new things and take responsible for their life. Each of the argument has its own merit.

There quite plausible reasons for the former opinion. To begin with, children are easy to be exploited by employers because they do not have enough life experience so they may not know that they are being exploited. Thus, owners can pay them too low income while requesting them to work very hard. Furthermore, children should play around with their friends or be educated at schools before their mind become fully developed instead of working so they will have nice and memorable childhood. Also, children can be considered as low skilled workers, thus, we should let them focus on their study to gain more knowledge, becoming more productivity.

However, there are also strong reasons in favor of the latter opinion. Firstly, children are believed to be more mature if they contact with life early. They will gain more life experience which could be very useful for them in the future, for example, avoiding exploitation or fraud. In addition, as they work, they gain more and more skills or valuable work experience, then they are likely to be promoted and demanded because companies nowadays appreciate workers who have lots of experiences not qualifications. More importantly, children will have idea about the value of money or how hard to make money so they have to be responsible to what they spend money on.

All things considered, I think that children should not work until they are really mature. However, if they have desire to work to gain experience, we should let them do it under families' control or just in a certain time period.

niesaysi 16 / 284 83  
Jul 2, 2013   #2
Whether or not children should do some type of paid work is still controversial.

I think this should not be included in the first para; for it is irrelevant , unless you will support this statement .(why is it a controversial type?)

There quiteare plausible reasons for the former opinion.

To begin with, children are easy to be exploited by employers because they do not have enough life experience so they may not know that they are being exploited .

I removed the latter part because it is just a repetition of " they don't have enough life experience"..-- I like your stand as a matter of fact!

Furthermore, children should play around with their friends or be educated at schools before their mind become fully developed instead of working so they will have nice and memorable childhood.

Furthermore, instead of pushing the children to work, children should be educated at schools to develop their interpersonal skills and to have memorable childhood experiences.

...becoming more product ive .

..believed to be more matured .
Yorgun95 3 / 4  
Jul 2, 2013   #3
it would be better if you say ''What is your opinion on this?'' instead of ''What are your opinion on this?'' are for plural
bein 3 / 10 3  
Jul 2, 2013   #4
you should try to use more academic words. for example, use 'therefore' instead of 'so'

responsible to

responsible for

we should let them

avoid using 'we' in essays

becoming more productivity.

I think the word "productivity" isn't suitable.
dumi 1 / 6,927 1592  
Jul 3, 2013   #5
On the other hand, many educational experts believe that children could gain valuable work experience, learn many new things and take responsible for their life by engaging in some kind of paid work. .... Align your writing with your prompt.

Each of the argument has its own merits .

To begin with, children are easy to be exploited by employers because they do not have enough life experience so they may not know that they are being exploited.

Good point. However, I wish you shortened its length;
To begin with, children are easy to be exploited by employers because they are immature and have less life experiences. This leave room for chances of them being exploited without their knowledge.
Pahan 1 / 1,906 553  
Jul 3, 2013   #6
Firstly, children are believed to be more mature if they contact with life early

Actually, what you try to say is that working at an early age help children earn very valuable life and social skills. So tell it more direct.

They will gain more life experience which could be very useful for them in the future

... great :)

for example, avoiding exploitation or fraud

... I cannot link this example to your reason. Give more specific examples for your reasons.

In addition, as they work, they gain more and more skills or valuable work experience

... This point reads repeatedly ....
nellylovekelly 4 / 7 2  
Jul 4, 2013   #7
There are some grammar mistakes in the writing.

too low income

=> low wage, I don't think "income" is suitable here.

In addition, as they work, they gain more and more skills or valuable work experience, then they are likely to be promoted and demanded because companies nowadays appreciate workers who have lots of experiences not qualifications.

=> this sentence should be written more concisely.
Pahan 1 / 1,906 553  
Jul 4, 2013   #8
Whether or not children should do some type of paid work is still controversial.

You can say this in a more simple tone;
It is still controversial that children should be engaged in some type of paid work.

Whether or not children should do some type of paid work is still controversial. On the one hand, some people argue that it is not right. On the other hand, many educational experts believe that children could gain valuable work experience, learn many new things and take responsible for their life. Each of the argument has its own merit.

Your prompt asks what opinion you hold. So express your opinion in the introductory paragraph itself.
rozha 15 / 34  
Jul 4, 2013   #9
In many countries children are engaged in some kind of paid work children are engaged in some kind of work all over the world especially in the poor countries... ....i think this is better because some time children are engaged in unpaid work.
ningo 22 / 53 9  
Jul 4, 2013   #10
learn many new things

avoid using "thing" ==> try to use higher words: " skills, abilities"

life experience

life experiences
Your thoughts are clear and interesting. However, some sentences are too long and some words are repeated. That's my idea! Good luck for your study!


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