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Paragraph Elements


PeterV 3 / 4  
May 15, 2009   #1
I had posted an earlier ( this am) partial essay, and now attempting to refine my ability to engineer paragraphs from a prompt.

Any feedback would be appreciated.

PARAGRAPH PROMPT: Describe one place that stands out in your memory. It may be indoors or outdoors.

Clean inland water is hard to find, unless you are at Lake Watauga, in Eastern Tennessee. We had been camping in North Carolina, and while exploring its mountain range, I then found a piece of paradise, just over the state line. The lake is located at an elevation above 1,800 feet, which is encircled by mountains, therefore pollutants from runoff are less likely to poison its crystal blue waters.

Although hiking is one of my favorite activities, waking up at our campsite on the lake, within feet from the boat, feels like heaven on earth. This tranquil body of water evokes feelings of peace and tranquility. Lake Watauga has become part of our families DNA, for our memories will live on for generations to come.

OP PeterV 3 / 4  
May 15, 2009   #2
OK..I wrote my own prompt and would appreciate any comments. I remember the milk man..you ?

PROMPT: How did milk men live their lives

At 4:00 am most people would have been happy to just roll over and go back to bed, but not Ronny Walker, he had a mission, and his office was a well maintained white and red milk truck. What was it like to rise before others, to witness an industry in change and how did the milk man transition to other work ,or did he just live out his years without recognition.

He would have been a strong man who had a farm boy build to hoist some 300 gallons of home delivered milk every day. Eggs, Milk and Cheese where just a few of the products that were carried in his tote rack, trundling up sidewalks and drives of towns and villages, his cargo was precious and his customers needs where his mission. A milk man began this career in his early twenties right off the farm, and knew dairy products already; therefore it made logical sense to extend that practical knowledge into the field of home sales and delivery. These early entrepreneurs worked long hours, and made very little as compared to today's wages, but they had pride in their work and would stay in that position on average fourteen years.

In the early to late sixties the dairy industry experienced much change, and not all of it was good for the route man. Refrigeration had now afforded most a means of food retention not experienced up to that point. The milk man had made his deliveries early in the morning, as to compensate for unreliable refrigerated coolers of the time, and that would regularly break down and spoil all of that families food. Not to mention product theft which then became prevalent on the inner city routes, it had just gotten to the point where the dollars and cents did not add up for the dairy and more.

The job had its ups and downs. Like the mother who needed milk before 7:00am so that she would be able to feed her children fresh healthy products, and then have them ready for the school on time. On the other hand rumors of milk men and lonely house wives caused such a stir that most companies forbid home entry, other than to place product in the cooler. Additionally, the physical toll was tremendous for after twenty plus years their backs, legs and shoulders began to wear, unfortunately these men suffered until their deaths without much deserved recognition.

Reviewing the lives of these professionals leads me to respect the swing of obscure paradigms, which most do not view from this vantage point. These men worked long hours in an industry that changed so fast that in the end; they were left without the ability to enjoy the services that they had provided to their customers for so many years. The job was their life, for to them it was an extension of their family farm many years before, the impact of the decline of this industry was felt for many years. Who really knows, it could have been the milk man that said those familiar words ; early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and most importantly wise.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
May 16, 2009   #3
We had been camping in North Carolina, and while exploring its mountain range I then found a piece of paradise -- just over the state line. The lake is located at an elevation above 1,800 feet, which is encircled by mountains; therefore pollutants from runoff are less likely to poison its crystal blue waters.

Above, do you see how I make the sentences more manageable by adding the dash and semi-colon?

Although hiking is one of my favorite activities, waking up at our campsite on the lake, within a few feet of the boat, feels like heaven on earth.

Lake Watauga has become part of our family's DNA (choose a different word, because the use of "DNA" here reveals a misunderstanding of the nature of DNA! :)

You know, your writing will be great as soon as you get over your fear of ending sentences! I see the same problem over and over. Double-dribble; run-on sentences. Type "run on sentence" into google and see some examples. It is your only writing problem! After that, you will be all set! :) See what I mean, here:

At 4:00 am most people would have been happy to just roll over and go back to bed, but not Ronny Walker. He had a mission, and his office was a well maintained white and red milk truck.
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
May 19, 2009   #4
You might also wish to avoid random capitalization:

"Eggs, milk and cheese where just a few of the products that were carried in his tote rack,"

You may also wish to avoid incorrect grammatical comparisons:

"These early entrepreneurs worked long hours, and made very little as compared to today's workers , "

Compare like to like. So, entrepreneurs to other people, not to wages.


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