Parents expect children to spend long time studying in and after school -IELTS 2013.1

In some countries, parents expect children to spend long time studying in and after school and have less free time. Do you think it has the positive or negative effects on children and society that they live in?

Nowadays, it is a widely common opinion among parents that children should not only do well in school but also reinforce acknowledge after school. As a result, sending children to extra training school is not unfamiliar to any of us, which leads to the significant decrease in children's free time. Though there is a belief that press increases motivation, I, however, believe that the over-loaded press will cause negative effects.

At the beginning, long-time sitting in front of computer is harmful to children's health since they do not exercise adequately which was reported very helpful to enhance their physical conditions. The increasing number of fat children is to a certain extent due to the lack of exercise. In the future, these children are very likely to be sub-healthy. Besides, it is not sure that the longer time children study the better outcomes they can get. Low efficiency will result in nothing.

When it comes to the effects on the society, from my understanding, the minus impact overweighs the plus ones. First of all, the whole society looks undynamic since the fresh blood of the society-children-are not activated. Secondly, the building of diversity of the world will slow down for children who are limited to books lack creativity. Lastly, the social relationship will become weaker and weaker because the number of people who care about it is falling down while the opinion of competition will become stronger as a result of the repetitive stress on the success from the adults.

In short, overlong time on studying has negative effects on both children and the society. Children should be released from books after school sh that they will find the wonderful aspects of the society, so that they would like to do some effort to make the world more colorful in the future.

... I feel it is better to present your ideas in a more simple tone. That's more appealing;
Nowadays, many parents believe that children should do well not only in academics but also in extracurricular activities.


which consumes a significant portion of children's free time.

I like the way write. It has a nice rhythm to it. But think the argument that children not getting proper exercise is not presented strongly enough. It might also be an idea for you to say that children studying day in and day out would distance them from whats happening around them. This can be very harmful.

motivation, I, however, believe --> too many commas avoid it

the correct usage is
motivation, I however believe

fat children --> obese children

school sh that they will find --> unwanted "sh" recheck once completed your essay

overall good attempt

Thank you! Good point! It is always difficult for me to think of a support idea for my topic.

Your writing is smooth and your paragraphs are written well. Why don't you add the paents expectation from his/her child , why would a parent make the child do study more and training school and such. You could add the parent's opinions plus concerns(since the world is becoming globally competitive,the parent would want the best for his/her child) and contrast them with your point of view.

Yes, good idea, thank you. I would add it into the 1st paragraph.